Normal

Sometimes life feels the same way that fresh cookies smell. 

And, sometimes you burn the batch.

I’ve noticed that when things don’t seem very good, I start to believe that something is wrong with me, or with God, or with life itself. If life were a function, it would be a cosine. (If you’re wondering why I didn’t choose sine instead, control yourself, nerd.) What I mean is that all of us experience those very natural lows in life, and it’s important that we understand how very normal they are. I'd like to elaborate.

Sometimes, and I emphasize “sometimes”:

It’s normal to guess at the weather, or accidentally not guess at the weather.

It’s normal to embarrass yourself and replay the moment 8 times in your mind.

It’s normal to wake up just feeling totally not stoked on life.

It’s normal to feel the urge to chuck something valuable into the street for no reason.

It’s normal to look at yourself in the mirror and feel kind of disappointed.

It’s normal to forget that people are the most important thing, and hurt someone.

It’s normal to feel like you’ve wasted your time when you didn’t have enough.

It’s normal to find out you’re not as good at something as you had hoped, and to be bummed.

It’s normal to feel sad for people who eat alone, or live alone, or feel alone.

It’s normal to feel lonely, or unwanted, or both.

It’s normal to wonder what your grand purpose in life is and not really know the answer.

It’s normal to just forget to do something you really, really needed to do.

It’s normal to look at what you don’t have and to long for it.

It’s normal to accidentally complain to people who are already having a hard day.

It’s normal to wish you could be better at... everything.

It’s normal to lose someone you really cared about.

It’s normal to feel no hope at all.

It’s normal to stub your toe on the couch.

It’s normal to get a little irritated when you are in a rush.

It’s normal to be prideful enough to think you’re better than other people.

It’s normal to feel like God is hard to find.

It’s normal to notice that the strength of an important relationship is waning.

It’s normal to feel like you’re running out of good jokes.

It’s normal to feel tempted to do things you shouldn’t do.

It’s normal to be angry with other people for their mistakes or weaknesses.

It’s normal to figure you know what you want, but feel like it's impossible.

It’s normal to feel like things are too hard, and to just give up for an hour, or a month.

It’s normal to not really know what you want, both in the small and most critical things.

It’s normal to realize that the only thing that revolves around you is your belt.

It’s normal to have an "off" day, and not feel like yourself.

It’s normal to make mistakes - mistakes that hurt you and other people.

It’s normal to regret how you’ve spent your time, or how you didn’t spend it.

It’s normal to be a little unsure of yourself.

It’s normal to not know how to help someone that really needs it.

It’s normal to turn into a monster, or a total goofball, when you’re tired.

It’s normal to be selfish in ways that make you cringe later.

It’s normal to feel totally helpless.

It’s normal to miss someone you love in a way that feels a lot like pain.

It’s normal to feel like there is something else you’d rather be doing.

It’s normal to just outright fail at something.

It’s normal to be sad.

Normal is not the antonym of special, or divine, or destined to be something beautiful in every respect of the word. Normal is something we all experience, and something we all need. The downs of life are balanced by the ups, and the further down we go, the further up we can go. The Savior of the world condescended beneath all things, and through that experience, is able, equally, to do infinite good.

We have weaknesses. We are imperfect. We need help. We need time. We make mistakes.

It's okay.

We are worthy of love from others, and from God, and from ourselves, and we can succeed.

-------------------------------

For those who are feeling intrigued by the topic, I will continue.

C.S. Lewis mentions the idea that life always has natural ups and downs in "The Screwtape Letters", written from the perspective of a devil, Screwtape, training his devil-nephew, Wormwood, in the ways of temptation.

VIII

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

So you "have great hopes that the patient's religious phase is dying away", have you? I always thought the Training College had gone to pieces since they put old Slubgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians—half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation—the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life—his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty.

The dryness and dulness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it. To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily good; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense.

But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself—creatures, whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long.

Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. But of course the troughs afford opportunities to our side also. Next week I will give you some hints on how to exploit them, Your affectionate uncle SCREWTAPE

Some nights

To be read slowly


Some nights
the cool of my pillow is a soft sand
And the blankets are just blankets
And my thoughts are the stars
And the stars are the peepholes to heaven.

Yes, my thoughts are the billion-billions of stars
Because I think about God
And my heart.

And the truth is a warm, red, rising sun.
And the truth is that I am known.
And when I put my hands on the sky
and my cheek against it to look through,
I see people, 
and they are so beautiful.

Social Butterfly

Hi. My name is Erick, and I'm a social butterfly...

All: "Hi Erick."

I live in perhaps one of the most social cities in the world. I've been to hundreds of social gatherings and met thousands of people. Through all of those parties and all of those hours, I have developed a few curiosities. I understand that explaining my thought processes will likely expose some weakness of mind and heart.

Why do we socialize?

Let's make an important amendment to this question: Why do single people socialize? Either we're looking to meet someone, we want to have a good time and maybe meet someone, or we want to have a good time and aren't really interested in meeting anyone. Think this is too narrowly pointed toward "meeting someone"? Then riddle me this: How many people do you see at social events who have a significant other? If you were able to think of anyone, how many of them feel obligated to be at those events? I'm not trying to be pessimistic - this is just the curiosity. Is our primary motive for socializing, as single people, to find someone to date?

Now, I would argue that there are times and circumstances in which this is not true, and in most of these cases there is a degree of selflessness associated with the interaction. (And let's not forgetting socializing in pure recreation.) There are times when I like to just go to lunch with an old friend, guy or girl, just because I like spending time with them. But what is my hope? My hope is that it is worthwhile to them as well - that they can enjoy themselves, and feel valued and encouraged. 

What is the value, or purpose, of socializing and how do we get more of it?

I wonder if I'm missing something. I wonder if I have just gotten it all wrong - maybe I shouldn't go to a group hike or chili cook off or tail gate party or dance party or dessert party or whatever else to "meet" someone.

Now, I do love to meet people (even excluding attraction or interest) (I think...?), but I don't always feel interested in who they are. Isn't that a little strange? Isn't that ironic? Sometimes I think I want to meet people in order to create an image and impression of myself in their minds which impression, when manifest, validates and compliments me the ways I desire. That's pretty messed up.

On occasion I have taken the time to sincerely get to know someone. Can I tell you something? I have never regretted that. I have made great friends, real friends, because of ONE conversation in which we sincerely conversed about our lives. Herein is the value of socializing - that you can learn from the examples and lives of those around you, personally rejoice in their successes, and to support, encourage, and help them somehow - to make them happy. I mean, don't we really care about them, and can't we express that care? If you want to get more out of your social life, stop trying to use it for selfish reasons.

Why do socialites typically stop socializing when they have a significant other?

I'm not accusing anyone. Whenever I date someone, my social life goes down the tubes. At least in my circles, your married friends die socially. And it's a slow death. Everyone knows this. It begins from the first weeks of dating and continues to decrease until the wedding day. Why? Well, there is no PURPOSE in socializing anymore - and anyway, single people just don't understand married people very well.. (puh.Leaze.) 

Do we have some kind of complex that assures us of someone's care when they begin to leave everyone else out of their life for us? Maybe that's extreme. I'm not proposing that anyone should have friendships in which their spouse plays no role... but do we really need to disconnect from everyone? I think it would be a beautiful, powerful thing for a companionship, especially husband and wife, to act AS ONE socially. If they were to adopt a selfless purpose, they could have a wonderful influence on their married and single friends. I think that a courtship and marriage would be strengthened by selfless sociality. Their friends would be strengthened as well. It's a shame we struggle so much with this. 

End

I have the goal to be social while courting and in marriage together with my spouse, but for now I will go on practicing and learning to socialize. I can see divine purposes in it.

#1 Syndrome

Chalk the Block was happening this week in Provo. Hundreds of artists from the area come to create some incredible chalk art on the parking lot at the Riverwoods shopping mall. It draws a pretty large crowd. I was there with a few friends, and I ran into a lot of people that I knew, and I met a lot of cool people that I didn’t know. It was a social mad house.

Two of the 200 +

I had a nice conversation with one of the girls that I met. She expressed that it was dissatisfying/hard to be required to spend so much time thinking about #1, but that she needed to in this period of her life. I believe that what she meant is that she has to spend time working and studying and dating – things that we typically do to secure happiness for ourselves in the future. It’s a harsh reality..

Sometimes the attitude of “It’s all about me” ink-leaks into our relationships as well. It can be easy to find yourself interacting with your family and endlessly telling them all about the things going on in this “critical time” of your life. When you talk to old friends, you barrage them with your experience at your “cross roads” of life, which is different from a two-way conversation. When you meet new people or socialize in your ward or at parties, you may sense a very pervasive and personal agenda to get something out of it for yourself (or them for themselves). Every interaction can be perverted into an opportunity for personal gain.

If you want to quickly and comprehensively find unhappiness, be selfish in your relationships. Even during this time of life, it is NOT all about us. We can do all things with selfless intent, even if they bring us a brighter future. A prophet said

We are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.

In every interaction we can give to others and uplift others. Sometimes the contribution we can make to their life will be extremely small, and often imperceptible to both parties. Sometimes it will be more clear. Even with strangers. Even at parties. Even though we feel the crazy urge to use people to ensure our happiness. To all those who feel like they have experienced these selfish patterns: good luck getting your heart in check. I know it's been one heck of battle for me.

Happiness

We want happiness, and that's a good thing. It's good to want it.

In seeking happiness I have done a lot of stupid things. On any given day at any given time, I can feel a dissatisfaction with the amount of happiness that I am experiencing, usually because some circumstance is not what I wanted it to be. I go out desperately to any source I can in order to gather and ensure my happiness or to stop me from thinking about my lack of happiness. That's the wrong thing to do.

Story
A friend of mine approached me one afternoon and he was freaking out a little bit about some girl troubles. He was fairly sure that a girl that he had been dating for a short time was going to break up with him, and he had somehow deduced this several hours before it was going to happen. He wanted someone to talk to about it and asked me how I thought he should handle it. My answer was a little counter-intuitive.

"You have to stop thinking about yourself in this moment. Help someone else. You'll feel better. You'll think more clearly. You'll bring light into your life."

Easier said than done.

I frequently struggle to apply this idea in my own life, but it is true. In all the normal struggles of life, it is important to remember "whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." If you aren't enjoying your job, or if you're struggling to get along with family or roommates, or if your health is degrading, or you feel lonely and friendless, or you are having financial troubles, or you have an addiction - whatever it is - try this: Help someone else. Help yourself as necessary, but get out of the trenches of self pity and worry and turn outward.

As I recall, my friend called his grandma to say hi. You know what? Grandma didn't fix his problems! The girl still broke up with him. Life was still hard. But can't you see that he was a better man for how he acted in that situation?

For examples of how Christ did this, Elder Bednar has a great talk titled "The Character of Christ" that you should listen to. (Jan. 2003).

When you're feeling down, when you're feeling pain, when you are feeling dissatisfied or confused, pray for the strength to serve someone else. It will help.

Defending Altruism

I have recently had some conversations about altruism and whether or not it actually exists. Altruism is a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You might not know this, but the debate about altruism is not a new one...

Wikipedia has an interesting explanation: "Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of loyalty. Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving)."

Much debate exists as to whether "true" altruism is possible. The theory of psychological egoism suggests that no act of sharing, helping or sacrificing can be described as truly altruistic, as the actor may receive an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification. The validity of this argument depends on whether intrinsic rewards qualify as "benefits."

I'd like to challenge a few of these ideas which I believe actually were NOT intended to be a part of "altruism":

In those statements there is an implicit suggestion that consequences are always directly tied to motives. However, consequences for choices are not always the motivators for choices. 

For example, if I decide to yell at a loved one the consequence will likely be regret and hurt feelings. Was that my motivator for making the choice? No. Actually, my motivator, which was to be right or to satisfy my ego, was never fulfilled. Another: Does a teenager try drugs because they want to be an addict and potentially ruin their life? No. Actually, their motivator, which is probably to find comfort or belonging, is never fulfilled. Their motives were NOT the consequences of their actions.

Now let's look at positive choice and its consequences. Suppose a daughter goes to her father and expresses that she is sad because another girl made fun of her at school. The father chooses to comfort his daughter. Why? 

Do you believe that he has "expectation of any compensation or benefits" for himself, even intrinsic ones? Some would say "Yes, he knows that if he doesn't help, he will feel bad, or it could have a negative effect on his family later, or he will feel good about himself when he helps her." Well if you say that, you are probably not a father. 

The father helps his daughter because of his concern for her welfare and with no expectation of any personal compensation, despite the fact the he WILL receive it. Some interpret this "expectation" to mean that the personal benefits were part of the father's motivation or decision-making process. That's not true. Our motives for certain choices are not necessarily to gain certain consequences. They don't have to match.

We can expect to be happy by doing good to others without this being our motivation. I believe altruism exists, and that their is such pure goodness in people. We really can make decisions with selfless motivation, and we all need to overcome ourselves and achieve this. This is the meaning of "charity seeketh not her own".

Your Likely Addiction

I'm addicted to my phone.
Big surprise, right?

Face it - if you are between the ages of 15 and 30 and living in the United States, there's a good chance that you are addicted to your phone, tablet, video game, or computer, too.

Well we need help, darn it!

As I considered my own symptoms of addiction, I created this mini-test to maybe help you get a handle on your own addictive behaviors. The test is from the perspective of a phone addiction. The number of the following statements which are true for you depends on the severity of your addiction.

The Tech Addict
You wake up most mornings and immediately reach for your phone to see if you have any notifications.

You don't have anything specific to do, or any notifications, but you open 8 apps anyway - texts, SnapChat, Instagram, FB, Twitter, Pinterest, ESPN, YouTube, Email, Browser, a game, or whatever other apps you like.

You just woke up, but you check your phone again while your make breakfast.

You check it right before you get in the shower.

You check it again right after you get out of the shower.

You check it before it goes into your purse or pocket.

You pull it out again thirty seconds later to "check the time", and then again 2 minutes later to "check the time" again.
You text and drive even though you know it's dangerous, illegal, and stupid.
You have it on the table during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You also check it immediately before AND after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You check it again when you get in the car, and then at every stop light longer than 10 seconds.
You pull it out every 3 minutes during your walk to work or class.

You keep it visible while you are working, and you look from time to time just to see it.

You often get it out in the middle of someone talking directly to you.
You stop whatever you're doing, even the very sentence you are speaking, when you get a push notification. You read it, process it, and then continue back mid-sentence where you left off.

You feel like you've accomplished something if you can leave it in a different room for an hour.

You accidentally spend fifteen minutes to an hour doing something totally useless on a daily basis, even when you intended to use that time doing something else.

You check the weather app while you're standing outside because "you're curious".
Your phone is within arms' reach during the entire day.

You take the phone with you when you go to the bathroom in your own house.

You feel frequent, impulsive urges during work to get on your phone. This probably happens every 20 minutes.
You are disappointed when you have to charge it, even if you are at home, because you can't have it on your person. You decide to just sit next to the plug.

You have a simple to do list, lots free time, but never get anything done.

You use your phone during any meeting or conversation that lasts longer than 15 minutes, including church services.

You look at it immediately before going to sleep every night.

You wish that you spent less time using it. Then again, you've been saying that for a couple of years.

Sadly, this is reality for a lot of people.

We need to break the Tech Addiction.
It DOES matter.
Make specific goals. 
Choose discipline. 
Ask loved ones for help. 
Free yourself.

The Smile

STORY

I was sitting in a computer lab at BYU at about 8 at night. THRILLA! After a knock at the door, one of my fellow engineers opened the door for his wife and little 2-year-old daughter. They had come to pick him up, so he took about 20 minutes to finish up what he was doing and then they started to leave.

The desks in this room are 25 ft. long tables, about 3 feet off the ground with about 7 computers on it going down the row. As they left, the little girl walked down the length of the desk to the very end when her father kindly said "Okay, get down." 

She turned around to head for the nearest logical exit - a chair to climb down on - but her dad said "No no..." and picking her, put her right back at the edge of the desk and said "I want you to jump." He was standing a solid 3 feet away with his arms out. As you can imagine, I thought this was a fun exercise. Her father was not being mean in any way - he was just being playful. 

Without a moment of hesitation, she bent her knees, just a little bit, turned her head to the left, and then smiled. (It looked a lot like the smile you see in that picture of her). As she smiled, and without even looking at her dad, she launched herself off the table and into her father's arms. 

In that moment, I imagined some soul somewhere being asked by God to do something that seemed hard, or high risk, or even silly. Metaphorically, I think many of us would say "Naw, I'm aight" or go back to try using the chair again, or just plop down on the desk and begin to cry. Maybe we would stand there afraid with pleading eyes, or pout about having to do this. It just seems like we might throw a fit, and some of us would eventually, with fear, and hesitation, and little screaming, jump. And then later we would probably say "That's when I learned  to trust the Lord." 

While finally submitting is a great thing, what about the smile?!

As I roll out of the troughs of life into the crests and carefully try to find my balance at the peak, I look back at the spot where I fell and rested in that hammock-trough and again realize that God is persuading me to trust him. Over and over, the message is the same - "Trust me."

With this little girl there was no fear, there was no hesitation, there was not even worry.

I would hope for myself that when I am asked to jump off a desk later in life, I will have the trust not only to jump, but to jump with a smile. Therein is the trust.

The Furnace

The Furnace

Erick Hollenbaugh

If from the light we have been made
have we been made for failing?
Should we wincing face a fire
and fear the rising flame?

Is life’s intent to flee all struggle
by petitioning for grace?
How oft to beg the easy way?
How oft to plea and pray

“Please, Take from me this heavy thing.”
or “Why do I feel this pain?”
With hearts all hid from burning,
Do we make our lives in vain?

Should we not plant any fruit in the gardens we are tending?
Is there no canvas to be filled with the colors we are blending?
Can we root the tree and take it in when storms are grayly showing?
And can a ship get sailing wind with men afraid of blowing?

Let us reap!
Let us fill!
Let us grow!
and let us move!

Flee not trials, and do not hide,
But do not fight alone.
The furnaces of life are kept
by the Man who lived in one.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego

The Spark of the Homeless Man

Last Friday I helped a friend move apartments. I had an interesting experience that afternoon.

I had a very nice morning that day. I laughed with my roommates. It's always nice to laugh in the morning. I had time to sleep in a bit and exercise and study the scriptures for a while. Then I found myself helping this very nice girl change apartments - and it was a beautiful day. The air was full of the exciting and anxious emotions that accompany the end of a school year at BYU and the goodbyes and new beginnings that so many people are experiencing. There were people playing in the yard, and sitting on their porches, and having fun together. I was trying to be kind and hoping to make a good impression on this girl. I was pretty occupied in my own little mind about all the awesome things I had, but not really noticing them...

And then... a homeless man walked by.

He must have been around 30 years old. He looked pretty healthy, but had some physical disability because he struggled to walk. He walked right by on the sidewalk by the apartment. As I looked at him at just the right moment so that I saw his long, drawn-out glance toward those people playing in the yard...

I love this man. I instantly loved him. In that glance, it was as if I could see in his eyes that he did not have anyone. He did not have the nice, clean apartment to wake up in that I had. He did not have the breakfast to eat that I had. He did not have good friends to laugh with or a place to move out of or so many mounds belongings that it requires hours and hours to packed and move them. He probably did not have an education as I had received here. He, unlike me, probably did not struggle to decide which clothes to wear to look good. I saw him look over at those people playing in the yard, and I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to introduce my friends to him, and to give him the Gospel, and make him feel loved, and teach him to care for himself and to be productive and to give him all of the unbelievable opportunities I have had in my life! I wanted so badly to lift that man! But, I just watched him walk away.

Since that moment of seeing truth and reality, those feelings of love were stuck inside me. I took a moment, when I got home, to say a prayer of gratitude. That was a good choice. I watched a few uplifting videos from "The Skit Guys", a christian group that makes inspirational family videos.  I texted my mom and my sister, and I talked on the phone with my brother and a good friend. I had a nice conversation with my roommate.

Then, as I was writing this, I received a call about a car accident. It was about midnight, and my roommate and I were asked to come to the hospital to give a priesthood blessing to our friend and her mother who had been in the accident. Neither were critically injured, but both were in pain. I was so happy to be able to go and help them.

I just felt like this day, for me, was a beautiful experience. And the spark of it was seeing this homeless man. Now, I know that homelessness can be a complicated thing. How full and rich would my life be if I could live with gratitude for th blessings that I enjoy and be filled with love and compassion for those around me.

Can't we all do this better? Can't we all let go of ourselves a little bit? Can't we do more to lift and care for each other? I believe we must, and I believe that we can.

Secret Agent

a·gent

ˈājənt/

noun

2. a person or thing that takes an active role or produces a specified effect.

Story:

I have heard a lot of people comment about the difficulty of remembering names. Where did this idea of "being bad with names" even come from, and how has it become such a widespread deficiency? 

I decided that I wanted to be good with people's names. I might have said, as much as the next person, that "I struggle with names." Why do people say this? Well, they either truly believe that they struggle to remember names, or they use it as an excuse (though probably innocently) for never remembering peoples names. (Yes, those are different). 

Well I'd had enough of it! I made a plan. 

Plan: 

1. Try to care about what people's names are, if only for the purpose of being able to remember it. 

2. When you learn a person's name, attack it with as many of your senses as you can - listen to them say it, repeat it with your own voice, picture the name in your mind, and look the person straight in the eyes for at least 0.5 seconds. 

3. When you leave a conversation with a person whose name you have just learned, repeat their name to them again to verify it and remind yourself of it.

So I started using this method for memorizing people's names. Some people have... very... unique names.. and they can be harder learn. 

Perhaps a couple of months after starting this, I went to a big cabin trip with my new church ward. There were about 60 people there whose names I did not know. In a single night, perhaps 3 hours, I went around and introduced myself to every one of those people and learned every one their names. I used my method. About every 10 names I would go around and make sure I could still remember all of the names I had learned. In 3 hours I had learned 60 peoples names and with literally 1 or 2 exceptions I always remembered them after that night.

Now this is just a part of me - I meet a person and learn their names once, perhaps just in quick casual conversation. But I always repeat the name. I always make sure I can spell it, and I always verify the name when the conversation ends, and 4 times out of 5 I can remember their name a month later when I randomlyl see them in the grocery store. 

Why do I tell this story?

I chose to change myself.                  ... Isn't that AWESOME?!?!

A lot of people view our ability to choose as merely an ability to make external choices.

I believe that if a person believes that they can choose to be a certain way, they can.

They will need some resources, some tools, and some help, and in my experience many of those things are only accessible through God. It's called grace. Yet I think that WE have that most important thing - choice.

Now now, if you have some issues with this idea:

First, settle down. I know that there are, though I have no personal experience in the matter, some things that a person is simply unable to change about themselves and which is divinely appointed. 

Second, I feel that we categorize far too many things as that first unchangeable kind of thing.

Third, I have said nothing here of the difficulty of making such a change. I believe that every meaningful change requires sacrifice, and that the most important changes will require the most strenuous sacrifices.

In summary, here are some examples of things that I think many people ARE able to change, but which they do NOT believe they are able to change. I will list ONLY things that I have personal experience in, but there's plenty where they came from...
1. The time of the day you sleep.

2. How you react to stress.

3. What you think about at any given time.

4. The way you speak and the language you use even when you are totally relaxed.

5. Your desires.

6. Introverted/extroverted-ness.

I here people talk so often about these things they can't change, and I just wonder "How hard have you tried?" "How persistently have you practiced?" Sometimes, it's not that you can't change - it's that you won't. What we really need is the faith to relentlessly practice until we succeed.

For the Singles

So, I'm single.

Yup.

If you're single, welcome. If you're not, feel free to re-enter the single mind, but please, be careful. This post is about dating.

I'd like you to imagine that you have just been given an acorn. 

Did you know that acorns turn into oak trees?!?! It's pretty incredible. You just pop that little guy into the ground and it can just absorb certain things, organize them, and integrate them into the seed, and eventually establish a network of processes that build a very large tree! It's almost unbelievable.

Quiz time

What things does that little seed need in order to grow? 

Answer that question before you read on... Seriously. 

Be simple.

Okay, here are the answers you should have:

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

If you got these three, great job! If you got something else, consult an expert. ;)

Analogy: We are going to call the seed "a relationship".

I'd like you to imagine that you have just met someone, and since we're talking about dating, let's say that you are interested in (and attracted to) this person. These are two basic starting points. These kinds of "seeds" can grow into marriage. If you aren't interested in or attracted to someone, you aren't likely to marry them. At least, that's what I've heard. 

Remember, the seed is this most elementary relationship. You are acquaintances. 

What things does that little "seed" need in order to grow? 

Try answer that question before you read on... Be simple.

Okay, this one is a little harder to answer. I'm going to throw out some ideas that correlate to my analogy, but I am open to hearing your suggestions. 

An relationship needs the following to grow:

1. Nutrients - relationships need trust, mutual purpose, fun, forgiveness, respect, work, service, meaningful communication, physical affirmation, meaningful experiences, and thoughtfulness, among other things. 

2. Outside Energy - No relationship is totally self-sustaining. It requires the energies of both parties to live or grow. If one person is not GIVING energy, it can't live.

3. Nutrient transport - I'm not an expert, but I do know that, for many plants, more than 90% of the water it uses is dedicated to transporting nutrients through the plant. It is later taken from the plant by "transpiration". Transport was the only purpose. In a relationship, I'm going to call this one compatibility. Being compatible allows these nutrients to permeate the relationship.

Now, go back to your acorn. You have just planted it nicely, neatly, in the ground.

Scenario

You want this thing to grow as fast as possible, right? So you expose it to 100 times the energy of the sun, plant it in super-fertilized soil, and unleash a fire hydrant flow of water onto it for 3 days straight. Tell me... how is this little seed doing?

It's a scene of total and utter destruction!

This may seem obvious in the context of acorns, but maybe not so much with dating.

There is a problem with the original theory. There is another ingredient that I would like to suggest.

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

4. TIME

We need time. It is not an option for acorns, and it is simply not an option for relationships. They need time. 

If you overload a relationship with nutrients or energy you'll kill it. In anticipation of the day when the tree will require a LOT of water, sunlight, and nutrients, we may try to give a seedling the quantity of ingredients that a full-grown tree requires. This is a mistake.

A lot of people have told me that if "it will work out", you will know almost instantly. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Could it be that believing it will work out from the beginning is what actually makes it happen?

I believe that this idea of light-switch love causes a lot of people to look at relationships like plugging in an iron. "If it's not getting hot after 90 seconds, throw it away and try a new one". But relationships aren't like irons - they are like trees. We may be too impatient. We have the wrong idea about how this is supposed to work.

Caveats:

1. Not all relationships were created equal. Some people are more capable of developing healthy relationships quickly. Still, I believe this is less common.

2. You may think it is difficult to be able to develop a good relationship with someone, in most circumstances, if you are not dating them. I think that you can date someone, frequently, and then exclusively, and still allow your friendship and relationship to develop organically. We don't have to be obsessed with each other. It may be a question of patience or expectation.
3. Treating a relationship like a seed instead of an iron does not always mean success. One reason for this is the option to date someone else.

Conclusions:

Relationships require time in addition to a slew of other things. We need to expect this. We need to be patient.  If you feel you have a hard time being patient, you need to move some of your focus to other purposes. We need to nourish the tree according to its current size and strength. We need to take the time and energy to develop strong, balanced relationships in dating.

Cliff-People

I want to talk about cliffs.

Two great hikes for your upcoming summer are "Angels Landing" and "The Narrows" at Zion National Park. The Narrows is a long slot canyon. It's a blast to explore, and run through the shallow water and climb little waterfalls. Angels Landing is essentially the spacial opposite of The Narrows. It is a thin slice of rock with straight drops of more than 1000 ft. on either side. If you're in the area and you've never been to this area, I recommend you plan a trip. 

                                                                                       

                   

Much of the wonder of these formations is how they came to be. The steady beating of the elements, and the slow, relentless reshaping of the earth... It's amazing.

Last summer some friends and I were leaving the canyon after an awesome day of hiking. We were laughing and chatting, and reflecting on that kind of majestic feeling you have when you experience nature. I was scanning the cliffs when something piqued my interest. I noticed that most of the formations/landscapes had relatively flat tops, and they were covered in trees. I was pretty impressed considering the very small amount of top soil on these rock formations...

But I noticed something else, too. This is the important part. I saw that there were a few trees that had grown on the tiny edges and juts on the side of the rock, sometimes more than one hundred feet down the side of the cliff. 

(Look closely)

                                                             
That's even more impressive. How crazy it is that a little seed fell there, somehow, then got stuck, and then amazingly found enough nutrients to grow into a 30 ft. tree on that little, tiny edge!

You know, I feel a sort of love for those trees...
I feel compassion for them!
I feel proud of them!
I feel inspired by them!

There are people in this life that grow on flat ground, and there are people that grow on the sides of cliffs. I would consider myself a flat ground man. I have friends that are cliff-people. They are people who have experienced very difficult things, and they don't give up. Each of us probably knows someone experiencing something that is hard to deal with or hard to understand, or we ourselves are that person. Some of these hardships have been with us for years and will continue for years to come. And for some people, it just seems to be their lot to have a very, very hard life.

I love these cliff people.
I feel compassion for them.
I feel proud of them.
I feel inspired by them.

They prove that people are resilient.
They prove that we do indeed have the choice to succeed.
Though they are alone, they grow.
Though they live on steep, rocky slopes, they grow.
Though they face the full force of the canyon winds, they grow.
What beautiful, incredible people.

Douglas Malloch wrote the following:

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

There is a popular notion that we are victims of and subject to circumstance. We are not. I understand that some circumstances are incredibly demanding, but we are more than they are. I know that some things are nearly impossible to accomplish, but people have done those things, too. I believe in the capacity of people, especially combined with capacity of God, to do incredibly difficult things, to do them well, and to be made great by them.