Happiness

We want happiness, and that's a good thing. It's good to want it.

In seeking happiness I have done a lot of stupid things. On any given day at any given time, I can feel a dissatisfaction with the amount of happiness that I am experiencing, usually because some circumstance is not what I wanted it to be. I go out desperately to any source I can in order to gather and ensure my happiness or to stop me from thinking about my lack of happiness. That's the wrong thing to do.

Story
A friend of mine approached me one afternoon and he was freaking out a little bit about some girl troubles. He was fairly sure that a girl that he had been dating for a short time was going to break up with him, and he had somehow deduced this several hours before it was going to happen. He wanted someone to talk to about it and asked me how I thought he should handle it. My answer was a little counter-intuitive.

"You have to stop thinking about yourself in this moment. Help someone else. You'll feel better. You'll think more clearly. You'll bring light into your life."

Easier said than done.

I frequently struggle to apply this idea in my own life, but it is true. In all the normal struggles of life, it is important to remember "whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." If you aren't enjoying your job, or if you're struggling to get along with family or roommates, or if your health is degrading, or you feel lonely and friendless, or you are having financial troubles, or you have an addiction - whatever it is - try this: Help someone else. Help yourself as necessary, but get out of the trenches of self pity and worry and turn outward.

As I recall, my friend called his grandma to say hi. You know what? Grandma didn't fix his problems! The girl still broke up with him. Life was still hard. But can't you see that he was a better man for how he acted in that situation?

For examples of how Christ did this, Elder Bednar has a great talk titled "The Character of Christ" that you should listen to. (Jan. 2003).

When you're feeling down, when you're feeling pain, when you are feeling dissatisfied or confused, pray for the strength to serve someone else. It will help.

Defending Altruism

I have recently had some conversations about altruism and whether or not it actually exists. Altruism is a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You might not know this, but the debate about altruism is not a new one...

Wikipedia has an interesting explanation: "Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of loyalty. Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving)."

Much debate exists as to whether "true" altruism is possible. The theory of psychological egoism suggests that no act of sharing, helping or sacrificing can be described as truly altruistic, as the actor may receive an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification. The validity of this argument depends on whether intrinsic rewards qualify as "benefits."

I'd like to challenge a few of these ideas which I believe actually were NOT intended to be a part of "altruism":

In those statements there is an implicit suggestion that consequences are always directly tied to motives. However, consequences for choices are not always the motivators for choices. 

For example, if I decide to yell at a loved one the consequence will likely be regret and hurt feelings. Was that my motivator for making the choice? No. Actually, my motivator, which was to be right or to satisfy my ego, was never fulfilled. Another: Does a teenager try drugs because they want to be an addict and potentially ruin their life? No. Actually, their motivator, which is probably to find comfort or belonging, is never fulfilled. Their motives were NOT the consequences of their actions.

Now let's look at positive choice and its consequences. Suppose a daughter goes to her father and expresses that she is sad because another girl made fun of her at school. The father chooses to comfort his daughter. Why? 

Do you believe that he has "expectation of any compensation or benefits" for himself, even intrinsic ones? Some would say "Yes, he knows that if he doesn't help, he will feel bad, or it could have a negative effect on his family later, or he will feel good about himself when he helps her." Well if you say that, you are probably not a father. 

The father helps his daughter because of his concern for her welfare and with no expectation of any personal compensation, despite the fact the he WILL receive it. Some interpret this "expectation" to mean that the personal benefits were part of the father's motivation or decision-making process. That's not true. Our motives for certain choices are not necessarily to gain certain consequences. They don't have to match.

We can expect to be happy by doing good to others without this being our motivation. I believe altruism exists, and that their is such pure goodness in people. We really can make decisions with selfless motivation, and we all need to overcome ourselves and achieve this. This is the meaning of "charity seeketh not her own".

Your Likely Addiction

I'm addicted to my phone.
Big surprise, right?

Face it - if you are between the ages of 15 and 30 and living in the United States, there's a good chance that you are addicted to your phone, tablet, video game, or computer, too.

Well we need help, darn it!

As I considered my own symptoms of addiction, I created this mini-test to maybe help you get a handle on your own addictive behaviors. The test is from the perspective of a phone addiction. The number of the following statements which are true for you depends on the severity of your addiction.

The Tech Addict
You wake up most mornings and immediately reach for your phone to see if you have any notifications.

You don't have anything specific to do, or any notifications, but you open 8 apps anyway - texts, SnapChat, Instagram, FB, Twitter, Pinterest, ESPN, YouTube, Email, Browser, a game, or whatever other apps you like.

You just woke up, but you check your phone again while your make breakfast.

You check it right before you get in the shower.

You check it again right after you get out of the shower.

You check it before it goes into your purse or pocket.

You pull it out again thirty seconds later to "check the time", and then again 2 minutes later to "check the time" again.
You text and drive even though you know it's dangerous, illegal, and stupid.
You have it on the table during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You also check it immediately before AND after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You check it again when you get in the car, and then at every stop light longer than 10 seconds.
You pull it out every 3 minutes during your walk to work or class.

You keep it visible while you are working, and you look from time to time just to see it.

You often get it out in the middle of someone talking directly to you.
You stop whatever you're doing, even the very sentence you are speaking, when you get a push notification. You read it, process it, and then continue back mid-sentence where you left off.

You feel like you've accomplished something if you can leave it in a different room for an hour.

You accidentally spend fifteen minutes to an hour doing something totally useless on a daily basis, even when you intended to use that time doing something else.

You check the weather app while you're standing outside because "you're curious".
Your phone is within arms' reach during the entire day.

You take the phone with you when you go to the bathroom in your own house.

You feel frequent, impulsive urges during work to get on your phone. This probably happens every 20 minutes.
You are disappointed when you have to charge it, even if you are at home, because you can't have it on your person. You decide to just sit next to the plug.

You have a simple to do list, lots free time, but never get anything done.

You use your phone during any meeting or conversation that lasts longer than 15 minutes, including church services.

You look at it immediately before going to sleep every night.

You wish that you spent less time using it. Then again, you've been saying that for a couple of years.

Sadly, this is reality for a lot of people.

We need to break the Tech Addiction.
It DOES matter.
Make specific goals. 
Choose discipline. 
Ask loved ones for help. 
Free yourself.

The Smile

STORY

I was sitting in a computer lab at BYU at about 8 at night. THRILLA! After a knock at the door, one of my fellow engineers opened the door for his wife and little 2-year-old daughter. They had come to pick him up, so he took about 20 minutes to finish up what he was doing and then they started to leave.

The desks in this room are 25 ft. long tables, about 3 feet off the ground with about 7 computers on it going down the row. As they left, the little girl walked down the length of the desk to the very end when her father kindly said "Okay, get down." 

She turned around to head for the nearest logical exit - a chair to climb down on - but her dad said "No no..." and picking her, put her right back at the edge of the desk and said "I want you to jump." He was standing a solid 3 feet away with his arms out. As you can imagine, I thought this was a fun exercise. Her father was not being mean in any way - he was just being playful. 

Without a moment of hesitation, she bent her knees, just a little bit, turned her head to the left, and then smiled. (It looked a lot like the smile you see in that picture of her). As she smiled, and without even looking at her dad, she launched herself off the table and into her father's arms. 

In that moment, I imagined some soul somewhere being asked by God to do something that seemed hard, or high risk, or even silly. Metaphorically, I think many of us would say "Naw, I'm aight" or go back to try using the chair again, or just plop down on the desk and begin to cry. Maybe we would stand there afraid with pleading eyes, or pout about having to do this. It just seems like we might throw a fit, and some of us would eventually, with fear, and hesitation, and little screaming, jump. And then later we would probably say "That's when I learned  to trust the Lord." 

While finally submitting is a great thing, what about the smile?!

As I roll out of the troughs of life into the crests and carefully try to find my balance at the peak, I look back at the spot where I fell and rested in that hammock-trough and again realize that God is persuading me to trust him. Over and over, the message is the same - "Trust me."

With this little girl there was no fear, there was no hesitation, there was not even worry.

I would hope for myself that when I am asked to jump off a desk later in life, I will have the trust not only to jump, but to jump with a smile. Therein is the trust.

The Furnace

The Furnace

Erick Hollenbaugh

If from the light we have been made
have we been made for failing?
Should we wincing face a fire
and fear the rising flame?

Is life’s intent to flee all struggle
by petitioning for grace?
How oft to beg the easy way?
How oft to plea and pray

“Please, Take from me this heavy thing.”
or “Why do I feel this pain?”
With hearts all hid from burning,
Do we make our lives in vain?

Should we not plant any fruit in the gardens we are tending?
Is there no canvas to be filled with the colors we are blending?
Can we root the tree and take it in when storms are grayly showing?
And can a ship get sailing wind with men afraid of blowing?

Let us reap!
Let us fill!
Let us grow!
and let us move!

Flee not trials, and do not hide,
But do not fight alone.
The furnaces of life are kept
by the Man who lived in one.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego

The Spark of the Homeless Man

Last Friday I helped a friend move apartments. I had an interesting experience that afternoon.

I had a very nice morning that day. I laughed with my roommates. It's always nice to laugh in the morning. I had time to sleep in a bit and exercise and study the scriptures for a while. Then I found myself helping this very nice girl change apartments - and it was a beautiful day. The air was full of the exciting and anxious emotions that accompany the end of a school year at BYU and the goodbyes and new beginnings that so many people are experiencing. There were people playing in the yard, and sitting on their porches, and having fun together. I was trying to be kind and hoping to make a good impression on this girl. I was pretty occupied in my own little mind about all the awesome things I had, but not really noticing them...

And then... a homeless man walked by.

He must have been around 30 years old. He looked pretty healthy, but had some physical disability because he struggled to walk. He walked right by on the sidewalk by the apartment. As I looked at him at just the right moment so that I saw his long, drawn-out glance toward those people playing in the yard...

I love this man. I instantly loved him. In that glance, it was as if I could see in his eyes that he did not have anyone. He did not have the nice, clean apartment to wake up in that I had. He did not have the breakfast to eat that I had. He did not have good friends to laugh with or a place to move out of or so many mounds belongings that it requires hours and hours to packed and move them. He probably did not have an education as I had received here. He, unlike me, probably did not struggle to decide which clothes to wear to look good. I saw him look over at those people playing in the yard, and I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to introduce my friends to him, and to give him the Gospel, and make him feel loved, and teach him to care for himself and to be productive and to give him all of the unbelievable opportunities I have had in my life! I wanted so badly to lift that man! But, I just watched him walk away.

Since that moment of seeing truth and reality, those feelings of love were stuck inside me. I took a moment, when I got home, to say a prayer of gratitude. That was a good choice. I watched a few uplifting videos from "The Skit Guys", a christian group that makes inspirational family videos.  I texted my mom and my sister, and I talked on the phone with my brother and a good friend. I had a nice conversation with my roommate.

Then, as I was writing this, I received a call about a car accident. It was about midnight, and my roommate and I were asked to come to the hospital to give a priesthood blessing to our friend and her mother who had been in the accident. Neither were critically injured, but both were in pain. I was so happy to be able to go and help them.

I just felt like this day, for me, was a beautiful experience. And the spark of it was seeing this homeless man. Now, I know that homelessness can be a complicated thing. How full and rich would my life be if I could live with gratitude for th blessings that I enjoy and be filled with love and compassion for those around me.

Can't we all do this better? Can't we all let go of ourselves a little bit? Can't we do more to lift and care for each other? I believe we must, and I believe that we can.

Secret Agent

a·gent

ˈājənt/

noun

2. a person or thing that takes an active role or produces a specified effect.

Story:

I have heard a lot of people comment about the difficulty of remembering names. Where did this idea of "being bad with names" even come from, and how has it become such a widespread deficiency? 

I decided that I wanted to be good with people's names. I might have said, as much as the next person, that "I struggle with names." Why do people say this? Well, they either truly believe that they struggle to remember names, or they use it as an excuse (though probably innocently) for never remembering peoples names. (Yes, those are different). 

Well I'd had enough of it! I made a plan. 

Plan: 

1. Try to care about what people's names are, if only for the purpose of being able to remember it. 

2. When you learn a person's name, attack it with as many of your senses as you can - listen to them say it, repeat it with your own voice, picture the name in your mind, and look the person straight in the eyes for at least 0.5 seconds. 

3. When you leave a conversation with a person whose name you have just learned, repeat their name to them again to verify it and remind yourself of it.

So I started using this method for memorizing people's names. Some people have... very... unique names.. and they can be harder learn. 

Perhaps a couple of months after starting this, I went to a big cabin trip with my new church ward. There were about 60 people there whose names I did not know. In a single night, perhaps 3 hours, I went around and introduced myself to every one of those people and learned every one their names. I used my method. About every 10 names I would go around and make sure I could still remember all of the names I had learned. In 3 hours I had learned 60 peoples names and with literally 1 or 2 exceptions I always remembered them after that night.

Now this is just a part of me - I meet a person and learn their names once, perhaps just in quick casual conversation. But I always repeat the name. I always make sure I can spell it, and I always verify the name when the conversation ends, and 4 times out of 5 I can remember their name a month later when I randomlyl see them in the grocery store. 

Why do I tell this story?

I chose to change myself.                  ... Isn't that AWESOME?!?!

A lot of people view our ability to choose as merely an ability to make external choices.

I believe that if a person believes that they can choose to be a certain way, they can.

They will need some resources, some tools, and some help, and in my experience many of those things are only accessible through God. It's called grace. Yet I think that WE have that most important thing - choice.

Now now, if you have some issues with this idea:

First, settle down. I know that there are, though I have no personal experience in the matter, some things that a person is simply unable to change about themselves and which is divinely appointed. 

Second, I feel that we categorize far too many things as that first unchangeable kind of thing.

Third, I have said nothing here of the difficulty of making such a change. I believe that every meaningful change requires sacrifice, and that the most important changes will require the most strenuous sacrifices.

In summary, here are some examples of things that I think many people ARE able to change, but which they do NOT believe they are able to change. I will list ONLY things that I have personal experience in, but there's plenty where they came from...
1. The time of the day you sleep.

2. How you react to stress.

3. What you think about at any given time.

4. The way you speak and the language you use even when you are totally relaxed.

5. Your desires.

6. Introverted/extroverted-ness.

I here people talk so often about these things they can't change, and I just wonder "How hard have you tried?" "How persistently have you practiced?" Sometimes, it's not that you can't change - it's that you won't. What we really need is the faith to relentlessly practice until we succeed.