The Smile

STORY

I was sitting in a computer lab at BYU at about 8 at night. THRILLA! After a knock at the door, one of my fellow engineers opened the door for his wife and little 2-year-old daughter. They had come to pick him up, so he took about 20 minutes to finish up what he was doing and then they started to leave.

The desks in this room are 25 ft. long tables, about 3 feet off the ground with about 7 computers on it going down the row. As they left, the little girl walked down the length of the desk to the very end when her father kindly said "Okay, get down." 

She turned around to head for the nearest logical exit - a chair to climb down on - but her dad said "No no..." and picking her, put her right back at the edge of the desk and said "I want you to jump." He was standing a solid 3 feet away with his arms out. As you can imagine, I thought this was a fun exercise. Her father was not being mean in any way - he was just being playful. 

Without a moment of hesitation, she bent her knees, just a little bit, turned her head to the left, and then smiled. (It looked a lot like the smile you see in that picture of her). As she smiled, and without even looking at her dad, she launched herself off the table and into her father's arms. 

In that moment, I imagined some soul somewhere being asked by God to do something that seemed hard, or high risk, or even silly. Metaphorically, I think many of us would say "Naw, I'm aight" or go back to try using the chair again, or just plop down on the desk and begin to cry. Maybe we would stand there afraid with pleading eyes, or pout about having to do this. It just seems like we might throw a fit, and some of us would eventually, with fear, and hesitation, and little screaming, jump. And then later we would probably say "That's when I learned  to trust the Lord." 

While finally submitting is a great thing, what about the smile?!

As I roll out of the troughs of life into the crests and carefully try to find my balance at the peak, I look back at the spot where I fell and rested in that hammock-trough and again realize that God is persuading me to trust him. Over and over, the message is the same - "Trust me."

With this little girl there was no fear, there was no hesitation, there was not even worry.

I would hope for myself that when I am asked to jump off a desk later in life, I will have the trust not only to jump, but to jump with a smile. Therein is the trust.

The Furnace

The Furnace

Erick Hollenbaugh

If from the light we have been made
have we been made for failing?
Should we wincing face a fire
and fear the rising flame?

Is life’s intent to flee all struggle
by petitioning for grace?
How oft to beg the easy way?
How oft to plea and pray

“Please, Take from me this heavy thing.”
or “Why do I feel this pain?”
With hearts all hid from burning,
Do we make our lives in vain?

Should we not plant any fruit in the gardens we are tending?
Is there no canvas to be filled with the colors we are blending?
Can we root the tree and take it in when storms are grayly showing?
And can a ship get sailing wind with men afraid of blowing?

Let us reap!
Let us fill!
Let us grow!
and let us move!

Flee not trials, and do not hide,
But do not fight alone.
The furnaces of life are kept
by the Man who lived in one.

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego

The Spark of the Homeless Man

Last Friday I helped a friend move apartments. I had an interesting experience that afternoon.

I had a very nice morning that day. I laughed with my roommates. It's always nice to laugh in the morning. I had time to sleep in a bit and exercise and study the scriptures for a while. Then I found myself helping this very nice girl change apartments - and it was a beautiful day. The air was full of the exciting and anxious emotions that accompany the end of a school year at BYU and the goodbyes and new beginnings that so many people are experiencing. There were people playing in the yard, and sitting on their porches, and having fun together. I was trying to be kind and hoping to make a good impression on this girl. I was pretty occupied in my own little mind about all the awesome things I had, but not really noticing them...

And then... a homeless man walked by.

He must have been around 30 years old. He looked pretty healthy, but had some physical disability because he struggled to walk. He walked right by on the sidewalk by the apartment. As I looked at him at just the right moment so that I saw his long, drawn-out glance toward those people playing in the yard...

I love this man. I instantly loved him. In that glance, it was as if I could see in his eyes that he did not have anyone. He did not have the nice, clean apartment to wake up in that I had. He did not have the breakfast to eat that I had. He did not have good friends to laugh with or a place to move out of or so many mounds belongings that it requires hours and hours to packed and move them. He probably did not have an education as I had received here. He, unlike me, probably did not struggle to decide which clothes to wear to look good. I saw him look over at those people playing in the yard, and I wanted to take him home with me. I wanted to introduce my friends to him, and to give him the Gospel, and make him feel loved, and teach him to care for himself and to be productive and to give him all of the unbelievable opportunities I have had in my life! I wanted so badly to lift that man! But, I just watched him walk away.

Since that moment of seeing truth and reality, those feelings of love were stuck inside me. I took a moment, when I got home, to say a prayer of gratitude. That was a good choice. I watched a few uplifting videos from "The Skit Guys", a christian group that makes inspirational family videos.  I texted my mom and my sister, and I talked on the phone with my brother and a good friend. I had a nice conversation with my roommate.

Then, as I was writing this, I received a call about a car accident. It was about midnight, and my roommate and I were asked to come to the hospital to give a priesthood blessing to our friend and her mother who had been in the accident. Neither were critically injured, but both were in pain. I was so happy to be able to go and help them.

I just felt like this day, for me, was a beautiful experience. And the spark of it was seeing this homeless man. Now, I know that homelessness can be a complicated thing. How full and rich would my life be if I could live with gratitude for th blessings that I enjoy and be filled with love and compassion for those around me.

Can't we all do this better? Can't we all let go of ourselves a little bit? Can't we do more to lift and care for each other? I believe we must, and I believe that we can.

Secret Agent

a·gent

ˈājənt/

noun

2. a person or thing that takes an active role or produces a specified effect.

Story:

I have heard a lot of people comment about the difficulty of remembering names. Where did this idea of "being bad with names" even come from, and how has it become such a widespread deficiency? 

I decided that I wanted to be good with people's names. I might have said, as much as the next person, that "I struggle with names." Why do people say this? Well, they either truly believe that they struggle to remember names, or they use it as an excuse (though probably innocently) for never remembering peoples names. (Yes, those are different). 

Well I'd had enough of it! I made a plan. 

Plan: 

1. Try to care about what people's names are, if only for the purpose of being able to remember it. 

2. When you learn a person's name, attack it with as many of your senses as you can - listen to them say it, repeat it with your own voice, picture the name in your mind, and look the person straight in the eyes for at least 0.5 seconds. 

3. When you leave a conversation with a person whose name you have just learned, repeat their name to them again to verify it and remind yourself of it.

So I started using this method for memorizing people's names. Some people have... very... unique names.. and they can be harder learn. 

Perhaps a couple of months after starting this, I went to a big cabin trip with my new church ward. There were about 60 people there whose names I did not know. In a single night, perhaps 3 hours, I went around and introduced myself to every one of those people and learned every one their names. I used my method. About every 10 names I would go around and make sure I could still remember all of the names I had learned. In 3 hours I had learned 60 peoples names and with literally 1 or 2 exceptions I always remembered them after that night.

Now this is just a part of me - I meet a person and learn their names once, perhaps just in quick casual conversation. But I always repeat the name. I always make sure I can spell it, and I always verify the name when the conversation ends, and 4 times out of 5 I can remember their name a month later when I randomlyl see them in the grocery store. 

Why do I tell this story?

I chose to change myself.                  ... Isn't that AWESOME?!?!

A lot of people view our ability to choose as merely an ability to make external choices.

I believe that if a person believes that they can choose to be a certain way, they can.

They will need some resources, some tools, and some help, and in my experience many of those things are only accessible through God. It's called grace. Yet I think that WE have that most important thing - choice.

Now now, if you have some issues with this idea:

First, settle down. I know that there are, though I have no personal experience in the matter, some things that a person is simply unable to change about themselves and which is divinely appointed. 

Second, I feel that we categorize far too many things as that first unchangeable kind of thing.

Third, I have said nothing here of the difficulty of making such a change. I believe that every meaningful change requires sacrifice, and that the most important changes will require the most strenuous sacrifices.

In summary, here are some examples of things that I think many people ARE able to change, but which they do NOT believe they are able to change. I will list ONLY things that I have personal experience in, but there's plenty where they came from...
1. The time of the day you sleep.

2. How you react to stress.

3. What you think about at any given time.

4. The way you speak and the language you use even when you are totally relaxed.

5. Your desires.

6. Introverted/extroverted-ness.

I here people talk so often about these things they can't change, and I just wonder "How hard have you tried?" "How persistently have you practiced?" Sometimes, it's not that you can't change - it's that you won't. What we really need is the faith to relentlessly practice until we succeed.

For the Singles

So, I'm single.

Yup.

If you're single, welcome. If you're not, feel free to re-enter the single mind, but please, be careful. This post is about dating.

I'd like you to imagine that you have just been given an acorn. 

Did you know that acorns turn into oak trees?!?! It's pretty incredible. You just pop that little guy into the ground and it can just absorb certain things, organize them, and integrate them into the seed, and eventually establish a network of processes that build a very large tree! It's almost unbelievable.

Quiz time

What things does that little seed need in order to grow? 

Answer that question before you read on... Seriously. 

Be simple.

Okay, here are the answers you should have:

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

If you got these three, great job! If you got something else, consult an expert. ;)

Analogy: We are going to call the seed "a relationship".

I'd like you to imagine that you have just met someone, and since we're talking about dating, let's say that you are interested in (and attracted to) this person. These are two basic starting points. These kinds of "seeds" can grow into marriage. If you aren't interested in or attracted to someone, you aren't likely to marry them. At least, that's what I've heard. 

Remember, the seed is this most elementary relationship. You are acquaintances. 

What things does that little "seed" need in order to grow? 

Try answer that question before you read on... Be simple.

Okay, this one is a little harder to answer. I'm going to throw out some ideas that correlate to my analogy, but I am open to hearing your suggestions. 

An relationship needs the following to grow:

1. Nutrients - relationships need trust, mutual purpose, fun, forgiveness, respect, work, service, meaningful communication, physical affirmation, meaningful experiences, and thoughtfulness, among other things. 

2. Outside Energy - No relationship is totally self-sustaining. It requires the energies of both parties to live or grow. If one person is not GIVING energy, it can't live.

3. Nutrient transport - I'm not an expert, but I do know that, for many plants, more than 90% of the water it uses is dedicated to transporting nutrients through the plant. It is later taken from the plant by "transpiration". Transport was the only purpose. In a relationship, I'm going to call this one compatibility. Being compatible allows these nutrients to permeate the relationship.

Now, go back to your acorn. You have just planted it nicely, neatly, in the ground.

Scenario

You want this thing to grow as fast as possible, right? So you expose it to 100 times the energy of the sun, plant it in super-fertilized soil, and unleash a fire hydrant flow of water onto it for 3 days straight. Tell me... how is this little seed doing?

It's a scene of total and utter destruction!

This may seem obvious in the context of acorns, but maybe not so much with dating.

There is a problem with the original theory. There is another ingredient that I would like to suggest.

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

4. TIME

We need time. It is not an option for acorns, and it is simply not an option for relationships. They need time. 

If you overload a relationship with nutrients or energy you'll kill it. In anticipation of the day when the tree will require a LOT of water, sunlight, and nutrients, we may try to give a seedling the quantity of ingredients that a full-grown tree requires. This is a mistake.

A lot of people have told me that if "it will work out", you will know almost instantly. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Could it be that believing it will work out from the beginning is what actually makes it happen?

I believe that this idea of light-switch love causes a lot of people to look at relationships like plugging in an iron. "If it's not getting hot after 90 seconds, throw it away and try a new one". But relationships aren't like irons - they are like trees. We may be too impatient. We have the wrong idea about how this is supposed to work.

Caveats:

1. Not all relationships were created equal. Some people are more capable of developing healthy relationships quickly. Still, I believe this is less common.

2. You may think it is difficult to be able to develop a good relationship with someone, in most circumstances, if you are not dating them. I think that you can date someone, frequently, and then exclusively, and still allow your friendship and relationship to develop organically. We don't have to be obsessed with each other. It may be a question of patience or expectation.
3. Treating a relationship like a seed instead of an iron does not always mean success. One reason for this is the option to date someone else.

Conclusions:

Relationships require time in addition to a slew of other things. We need to expect this. We need to be patient.  If you feel you have a hard time being patient, you need to move some of your focus to other purposes. We need to nourish the tree according to its current size and strength. We need to take the time and energy to develop strong, balanced relationships in dating.

Cliff-People

I want to talk about cliffs.

Two great hikes for your upcoming summer are "Angels Landing" and "The Narrows" at Zion National Park. The Narrows is a long slot canyon. It's a blast to explore, and run through the shallow water and climb little waterfalls. Angels Landing is essentially the spacial opposite of The Narrows. It is a thin slice of rock with straight drops of more than 1000 ft. on either side. If you're in the area and you've never been to this area, I recommend you plan a trip. 

                                                                                       

                   

Much of the wonder of these formations is how they came to be. The steady beating of the elements, and the slow, relentless reshaping of the earth... It's amazing.

Last summer some friends and I were leaving the canyon after an awesome day of hiking. We were laughing and chatting, and reflecting on that kind of majestic feeling you have when you experience nature. I was scanning the cliffs when something piqued my interest. I noticed that most of the formations/landscapes had relatively flat tops, and they were covered in trees. I was pretty impressed considering the very small amount of top soil on these rock formations...

But I noticed something else, too. This is the important part. I saw that there were a few trees that had grown on the tiny edges and juts on the side of the rock, sometimes more than one hundred feet down the side of the cliff. 

(Look closely)

                                                             
That's even more impressive. How crazy it is that a little seed fell there, somehow, then got stuck, and then amazingly found enough nutrients to grow into a 30 ft. tree on that little, tiny edge!

You know, I feel a sort of love for those trees...
I feel compassion for them!
I feel proud of them!
I feel inspired by them!

There are people in this life that grow on flat ground, and there are people that grow on the sides of cliffs. I would consider myself a flat ground man. I have friends that are cliff-people. They are people who have experienced very difficult things, and they don't give up. Each of us probably knows someone experiencing something that is hard to deal with or hard to understand, or we ourselves are that person. Some of these hardships have been with us for years and will continue for years to come. And for some people, it just seems to be their lot to have a very, very hard life.

I love these cliff people.
I feel compassion for them.
I feel proud of them.
I feel inspired by them.

They prove that people are resilient.
They prove that we do indeed have the choice to succeed.
Though they are alone, they grow.
Though they live on steep, rocky slopes, they grow.
Though they face the full force of the canyon winds, they grow.
What beautiful, incredible people.

Douglas Malloch wrote the following:

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

There is a popular notion that we are victims of and subject to circumstance. We are not. I understand that some circumstances are incredibly demanding, but we are more than they are. I know that some things are nearly impossible to accomplish, but people have done those things, too. I believe in the capacity of people, especially combined with capacity of God, to do incredibly difficult things, to do them well, and to be made great by them.

"The Tongue is a Fire"

1. You and I both know that real thought is not required for conversation, and that the mind can near-instantaneously produce speech on a reflexive or automated basis.

2. James (the apostle) wrote "The tongue is a fire." and "How great a [forest] a little fire kindleth"

This seems like a bad combination.

STORY:

A few years ago, I was walking home from class on a spring afternoon. I wish I could remember what triggered this thought... I was thinking about "Why do people complain?" What is the purpose? What is the goal of expressing complaint? What is the benefit? I know that we need to address problems frequently, but that is different from most of the complaining I hear. Most of it, apparently, serves no real purpose!

(SIDEBAR: I know that there are appropriate and necessary ways of expressing dissatisfaction. I'm not referring to that kind of 'complaining'. I also know that we are not robots, and that we should not pretend to be satisfied when we are not.)

So I went home and talked to my roommate about it.

     "So here's something I was thinking about today..."

     "Yeah?"

     "I was thinking about complaining. I do it all the time. I complain that it's too hot, or too cold. I complain that my house is too small, or that the rent is too high, or that school is too hard or my job makes me too busy or blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It seems like everyone does it all the time!"

     "Yeah, I totally agree."

     "But, guess what I realized today?"

     "What?"

     "I realized that it doesn't do anything! I doesn't fix my problem. It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make anyone else feel better, either. It doesn't help anything."

About 15 minutes later we had decided upon a goal to which we committed ourselves and to which we would hold each other accountable. The Goal: Never complain about any person, situation, or thing, and that if we did complain, we would verbally retract our statement to all who heard us speak it.

Day 1 of complaining goal:

I was sitting among a group of engineering students doing some particularly lengthy homework in the basement of a building on campus. Every day after our class we would go there together for about 4 hours to try to finish the assignment for the day.

I complained. I said something negative - something about the assignment being stupid. Then, the moment of truth: I have to take it back. How can I? What will they think? Does it matter? It does matter. I have to do it.

"Hey guys, you know what?"
They looked up at me from their papers...
"I don't mean that. I'm glad I can be in this class and I'm grateful for my education..."

No one said anything. I think one kid nodded his head. No one seemed angry. Everyone's life went on just like it was going before - except mine.

That was the beginning of the end.
Within just a couple of weeks, I would go an entire day without saying a single negative thing about anyone or anything. After a couple of months, I would catch myself saying something negative and realize that it had been an entire week since my last complaint.

And do you want to know what else happened to me? I started to believe my mouth. I felt more positive. I felt more satisfied with my life - every part of it. The effects of this goal still remain.

Of course, I am not perfect at this. I'm not as good now as I have been in past times. I still complain. And I also still verbally retract my complaints (much of the time), and sometimes I will invite others to reconsider theirs. Now, I invite you.

1. Complaining serves no positive purpose, but does serve negative ones.
2. You do not owe it to anyone to complain, not even yourself. It is totally useless. 
3. Learn to control your tongue, and you will learn to control yourself. (See James 3:2-13, Bible). 
4. The way you speak about a person or situation influences the way you feel about that person or situation. The way you speak affects your attitude, not the other way around.
5. Choosing to consciously correct your speech will quickly train you to speak correctly the first time. Don't be afraid to do it - only good things will follow.

This has changed my life. Try it. Next time and EVERY time you complain, take it back.