Normal

Sometimes life feels the same way that fresh cookies smell. 

And, sometimes you burn the batch.

I’ve noticed that when things don’t seem very good, I start to believe that something is wrong with me, or with God, or with life itself. If life were a function, it would be a cosine. (If you’re wondering why I didn’t choose sine instead, control yourself, nerd.) What I mean is that all of us experience those very natural lows in life, and it’s important that we understand how very normal they are. I'd like to elaborate.

Sometimes, and I emphasize “sometimes”:

It’s normal to guess at the weather, or accidentally not guess at the weather.

It’s normal to embarrass yourself and replay the moment 8 times in your mind.

It’s normal to wake up just feeling totally not stoked on life.

It’s normal to feel the urge to chuck something valuable into the street for no reason.

It’s normal to look at yourself in the mirror and feel kind of disappointed.

It’s normal to forget that people are the most important thing, and hurt someone.

It’s normal to feel like you’ve wasted your time when you didn’t have enough.

It’s normal to find out you’re not as good at something as you had hoped, and to be bummed.

It’s normal to feel sad for people who eat alone, or live alone, or feel alone.

It’s normal to feel lonely, or unwanted, or both.

It’s normal to wonder what your grand purpose in life is and not really know the answer.

It’s normal to just forget to do something you really, really needed to do.

It’s normal to look at what you don’t have and to long for it.

It’s normal to accidentally complain to people who are already having a hard day.

It’s normal to wish you could be better at... everything.

It’s normal to lose someone you really cared about.

It’s normal to feel no hope at all.

It’s normal to stub your toe on the couch.

It’s normal to get a little irritated when you are in a rush.

It’s normal to be prideful enough to think you’re better than other people.

It’s normal to feel like God is hard to find.

It’s normal to notice that the strength of an important relationship is waning.

It’s normal to feel like you’re running out of good jokes.

It’s normal to feel tempted to do things you shouldn’t do.

It’s normal to be angry with other people for their mistakes or weaknesses.

It’s normal to figure you know what you want, but feel like it's impossible.

It’s normal to feel like things are too hard, and to just give up for an hour, or a month.

It’s normal to not really know what you want, both in the small and most critical things.

It’s normal to realize that the only thing that revolves around you is your belt.

It’s normal to have an "off" day, and not feel like yourself.

It’s normal to make mistakes - mistakes that hurt you and other people.

It’s normal to regret how you’ve spent your time, or how you didn’t spend it.

It’s normal to be a little unsure of yourself.

It’s normal to not know how to help someone that really needs it.

It’s normal to turn into a monster, or a total goofball, when you’re tired.

It’s normal to be selfish in ways that make you cringe later.

It’s normal to feel totally helpless.

It’s normal to miss someone you love in a way that feels a lot like pain.

It’s normal to feel like there is something else you’d rather be doing.

It’s normal to just outright fail at something.

It’s normal to be sad.

Normal is not the antonym of special, or divine, or destined to be something beautiful in every respect of the word. Normal is something we all experience, and something we all need. The downs of life are balanced by the ups, and the further down we go, the further up we can go. The Savior of the world condescended beneath all things, and through that experience, is able, equally, to do infinite good.

We have weaknesses. We are imperfect. We need help. We need time. We make mistakes.

It's okay.

We are worthy of love from others, and from God, and from ourselves, and we can succeed.

-------------------------------

For those who are feeling intrigued by the topic, I will continue.

C.S. Lewis mentions the idea that life always has natural ups and downs in "The Screwtape Letters", written from the perspective of a devil, Screwtape, training his devil-nephew, Wormwood, in the ways of temptation.

VIII

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

So you "have great hopes that the patient's religious phase is dying away", have you? I always thought the Training College had gone to pieces since they put old Slubgob at the head of it, and now I am sure. Has no one ever told you about the law of Undulation?

Humans are amphibians—half spirit and half animal. (The Enemy's determination to produce such a revolting hybrid was one of the things that determined Our Father to withdraw his support from Him.) As spirits they belong to the eternal world, but as animals they inhabit time. This means that while their spirit can be directed to an eternal object, their bodies, passions, and imaginations are in continual change, for to be in time means to change. Their nearest approach to constancy, therefore, is undulation—the repeated return to a level from which they repeatedly fall back, a series of troughs and peaks. If you had watched your patient carefully you would have seen this undulation in every department of his life—his interest in his work, his affection for his friends, his physical appetites, all go up and down. As long as he lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty.

The dryness and dulness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it. To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use the Enemy wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily good; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense.

But the obedience which the Enemy demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as one would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself—creatures, whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because He has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which Our Father Below has drawn all other beings into himself: the Enemy wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.

And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why the Enemy does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never allows this state of affairs to last long.

Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot "tempt" to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. But of course the troughs afford opportunities to our side also. Next week I will give you some hints on how to exploit them, Your affectionate uncle SCREWTAPE

Some nights

To be read slowly


Some nights
the cool of my pillow is a soft sand
And the blankets are just blankets
And my thoughts are the stars
And the stars are the peepholes to heaven.

Yes, my thoughts are the billion-billions of stars
Because I think about God
And my heart.

And the truth is a warm, red, rising sun.
And the truth is that I am known.
And when I put my hands on the sky
and my cheek against it to look through,
I see people, 
and they are so beautiful.

Social Butterfly

Hi. My name is Erick, and I'm a social butterfly...

All: "Hi Erick."

I live in perhaps one of the most social cities in the world. I've been to hundreds of social gatherings and met thousands of people. Through all of those parties and all of those hours, I have developed a few curiosities. I understand that explaining my thought processes will likely expose some weakness of mind and heart.

Why do we socialize?

Let's make an important amendment to this question: Why do single people socialize? Either we're looking to meet someone, we want to have a good time and maybe meet someone, or we want to have a good time and aren't really interested in meeting anyone. Think this is too narrowly pointed toward "meeting someone"? Then riddle me this: How many people do you see at social events who have a significant other? If you were able to think of anyone, how many of them feel obligated to be at those events? I'm not trying to be pessimistic - this is just the curiosity. Is our primary motive for socializing, as single people, to find someone to date?

Now, I would argue that there are times and circumstances in which this is not true, and in most of these cases there is a degree of selflessness associated with the interaction. (And let's not forgetting socializing in pure recreation.) There are times when I like to just go to lunch with an old friend, guy or girl, just because I like spending time with them. But what is my hope? My hope is that it is worthwhile to them as well - that they can enjoy themselves, and feel valued and encouraged. 

What is the value, or purpose, of socializing and how do we get more of it?

I wonder if I'm missing something. I wonder if I have just gotten it all wrong - maybe I shouldn't go to a group hike or chili cook off or tail gate party or dance party or dessert party or whatever else to "meet" someone.

Now, I do love to meet people (even excluding attraction or interest) (I think...?), but I don't always feel interested in who they are. Isn't that a little strange? Isn't that ironic? Sometimes I think I want to meet people in order to create an image and impression of myself in their minds which impression, when manifest, validates and compliments me the ways I desire. That's pretty messed up.

On occasion I have taken the time to sincerely get to know someone. Can I tell you something? I have never regretted that. I have made great friends, real friends, because of ONE conversation in which we sincerely conversed about our lives. Herein is the value of socializing - that you can learn from the examples and lives of those around you, personally rejoice in their successes, and to support, encourage, and help them somehow - to make them happy. I mean, don't we really care about them, and can't we express that care? If you want to get more out of your social life, stop trying to use it for selfish reasons.

Why do socialites typically stop socializing when they have a significant other?

I'm not accusing anyone. Whenever I date someone, my social life goes down the tubes. At least in my circles, your married friends die socially. And it's a slow death. Everyone knows this. It begins from the first weeks of dating and continues to decrease until the wedding day. Why? Well, there is no PURPOSE in socializing anymore - and anyway, single people just don't understand married people very well.. (puh.Leaze.) 

Do we have some kind of complex that assures us of someone's care when they begin to leave everyone else out of their life for us? Maybe that's extreme. I'm not proposing that anyone should have friendships in which their spouse plays no role... but do we really need to disconnect from everyone? I think it would be a beautiful, powerful thing for a companionship, especially husband and wife, to act AS ONE socially. If they were to adopt a selfless purpose, they could have a wonderful influence on their married and single friends. I think that a courtship and marriage would be strengthened by selfless sociality. Their friends would be strengthened as well. It's a shame we struggle so much with this. 

End

I have the goal to be social while courting and in marriage together with my spouse, but for now I will go on practicing and learning to socialize. I can see divine purposes in it.

#1 Syndrome

Chalk the Block was happening this week in Provo. Hundreds of artists from the area come to create some incredible chalk art on the parking lot at the Riverwoods shopping mall. It draws a pretty large crowd. I was there with a few friends, and I ran into a lot of people that I knew, and I met a lot of cool people that I didn’t know. It was a social mad house.

Two of the 200 +

I had a nice conversation with one of the girls that I met. She expressed that it was dissatisfying/hard to be required to spend so much time thinking about #1, but that she needed to in this period of her life. I believe that what she meant is that she has to spend time working and studying and dating – things that we typically do to secure happiness for ourselves in the future. It’s a harsh reality..

Sometimes the attitude of “It’s all about me” ink-leaks into our relationships as well. It can be easy to find yourself interacting with your family and endlessly telling them all about the things going on in this “critical time” of your life. When you talk to old friends, you barrage them with your experience at your “cross roads” of life, which is different from a two-way conversation. When you meet new people or socialize in your ward or at parties, you may sense a very pervasive and personal agenda to get something out of it for yourself (or them for themselves). Every interaction can be perverted into an opportunity for personal gain.

If you want to quickly and comprehensively find unhappiness, be selfish in your relationships. Even during this time of life, it is NOT all about us. We can do all things with selfless intent, even if they bring us a brighter future. A prophet said

We are surrounded by those in need of our attention, our encouragement, our support, our comfort, our kindness—be they family members, friends, acquaintances, or strangers.

In every interaction we can give to others and uplift others. Sometimes the contribution we can make to their life will be extremely small, and often imperceptible to both parties. Sometimes it will be more clear. Even with strangers. Even at parties. Even though we feel the crazy urge to use people to ensure our happiness. To all those who feel like they have experienced these selfish patterns: good luck getting your heart in check. I know it's been one heck of battle for me.

Happiness

We want happiness, and that's a good thing. It's good to want it.

In seeking happiness I have done a lot of stupid things. On any given day at any given time, I can feel a dissatisfaction with the amount of happiness that I am experiencing, usually because some circumstance is not what I wanted it to be. I go out desperately to any source I can in order to gather and ensure my happiness or to stop me from thinking about my lack of happiness. That's the wrong thing to do.

Story
A friend of mine approached me one afternoon and he was freaking out a little bit about some girl troubles. He was fairly sure that a girl that he had been dating for a short time was going to break up with him, and he had somehow deduced this several hours before it was going to happen. He wanted someone to talk to about it and asked me how I thought he should handle it. My answer was a little counter-intuitive.

"You have to stop thinking about yourself in this moment. Help someone else. You'll feel better. You'll think more clearly. You'll bring light into your life."

Easier said than done.

I frequently struggle to apply this idea in my own life, but it is true. In all the normal struggles of life, it is important to remember "whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." If you aren't enjoying your job, or if you're struggling to get along with family or roommates, or if your health is degrading, or you feel lonely and friendless, or you are having financial troubles, or you have an addiction - whatever it is - try this: Help someone else. Help yourself as necessary, but get out of the trenches of self pity and worry and turn outward.

As I recall, my friend called his grandma to say hi. You know what? Grandma didn't fix his problems! The girl still broke up with him. Life was still hard. But can't you see that he was a better man for how he acted in that situation?

For examples of how Christ did this, Elder Bednar has a great talk titled "The Character of Christ" that you should listen to. (Jan. 2003).

When you're feeling down, when you're feeling pain, when you are feeling dissatisfied or confused, pray for the strength to serve someone else. It will help.

Defending Altruism

I have recently had some conversations about altruism and whether or not it actually exists. Altruism is a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You might not know this, but the debate about altruism is not a new one...

Wikipedia has an interesting explanation: "Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of loyalty. Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving)."

Much debate exists as to whether "true" altruism is possible. The theory of psychological egoism suggests that no act of sharing, helping or sacrificing can be described as truly altruistic, as the actor may receive an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification. The validity of this argument depends on whether intrinsic rewards qualify as "benefits."

I'd like to challenge a few of these ideas which I believe actually were NOT intended to be a part of "altruism":

In those statements there is an implicit suggestion that consequences are always directly tied to motives. However, consequences for choices are not always the motivators for choices. 

For example, if I decide to yell at a loved one the consequence will likely be regret and hurt feelings. Was that my motivator for making the choice? No. Actually, my motivator, which was to be right or to satisfy my ego, was never fulfilled. Another: Does a teenager try drugs because they want to be an addict and potentially ruin their life? No. Actually, their motivator, which is probably to find comfort or belonging, is never fulfilled. Their motives were NOT the consequences of their actions.

Now let's look at positive choice and its consequences. Suppose a daughter goes to her father and expresses that she is sad because another girl made fun of her at school. The father chooses to comfort his daughter. Why? 

Do you believe that he has "expectation of any compensation or benefits" for himself, even intrinsic ones? Some would say "Yes, he knows that if he doesn't help, he will feel bad, or it could have a negative effect on his family later, or he will feel good about himself when he helps her." Well if you say that, you are probably not a father. 

The father helps his daughter because of his concern for her welfare and with no expectation of any personal compensation, despite the fact the he WILL receive it. Some interpret this "expectation" to mean that the personal benefits were part of the father's motivation or decision-making process. That's not true. Our motives for certain choices are not necessarily to gain certain consequences. They don't have to match.

We can expect to be happy by doing good to others without this being our motivation. I believe altruism exists, and that their is such pure goodness in people. We really can make decisions with selfless motivation, and we all need to overcome ourselves and achieve this. This is the meaning of "charity seeketh not her own".

Your Likely Addiction

I'm addicted to my phone.
Big surprise, right?

Face it - if you are between the ages of 15 and 30 and living in the United States, there's a good chance that you are addicted to your phone, tablet, video game, or computer, too.

Well we need help, darn it!

As I considered my own symptoms of addiction, I created this mini-test to maybe help you get a handle on your own addictive behaviors. The test is from the perspective of a phone addiction. The number of the following statements which are true for you depends on the severity of your addiction.

The Tech Addict
You wake up most mornings and immediately reach for your phone to see if you have any notifications.

You don't have anything specific to do, or any notifications, but you open 8 apps anyway - texts, SnapChat, Instagram, FB, Twitter, Pinterest, ESPN, YouTube, Email, Browser, a game, or whatever other apps you like.

You just woke up, but you check your phone again while your make breakfast.

You check it right before you get in the shower.

You check it again right after you get out of the shower.

You check it before it goes into your purse or pocket.

You pull it out again thirty seconds later to "check the time", and then again 2 minutes later to "check the time" again.
You text and drive even though you know it's dangerous, illegal, and stupid.
You have it on the table during breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You also check it immediately before AND after breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

You check it again when you get in the car, and then at every stop light longer than 10 seconds.
You pull it out every 3 minutes during your walk to work or class.

You keep it visible while you are working, and you look from time to time just to see it.

You often get it out in the middle of someone talking directly to you.
You stop whatever you're doing, even the very sentence you are speaking, when you get a push notification. You read it, process it, and then continue back mid-sentence where you left off.

You feel like you've accomplished something if you can leave it in a different room for an hour.

You accidentally spend fifteen minutes to an hour doing something totally useless on a daily basis, even when you intended to use that time doing something else.

You check the weather app while you're standing outside because "you're curious".
Your phone is within arms' reach during the entire day.

You take the phone with you when you go to the bathroom in your own house.

You feel frequent, impulsive urges during work to get on your phone. This probably happens every 20 minutes.
You are disappointed when you have to charge it, even if you are at home, because you can't have it on your person. You decide to just sit next to the plug.

You have a simple to do list, lots free time, but never get anything done.

You use your phone during any meeting or conversation that lasts longer than 15 minutes, including church services.

You look at it immediately before going to sleep every night.

You wish that you spent less time using it. Then again, you've been saying that for a couple of years.

Sadly, this is reality for a lot of people.

We need to break the Tech Addiction.
It DOES matter.
Make specific goals. 
Choose discipline. 
Ask loved ones for help. 
Free yourself.