For the Singles

So, I'm single.

Yup.

If you're single, welcome. If you're not, feel free to re-enter the single mind, but please, be careful. This post is about dating.

I'd like you to imagine that you have just been given an acorn. 

Did you know that acorns turn into oak trees?!?! It's pretty incredible. You just pop that little guy into the ground and it can just absorb certain things, organize them, and integrate them into the seed, and eventually establish a network of processes that build a very large tree! It's almost unbelievable.

Quiz time

What things does that little seed need in order to grow? 

Answer that question before you read on... Seriously. 

Be simple.

Okay, here are the answers you should have:

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

If you got these three, great job! If you got something else, consult an expert. ;)

Analogy: We are going to call the seed "a relationship".

I'd like you to imagine that you have just met someone, and since we're talking about dating, let's say that you are interested in (and attracted to) this person. These are two basic starting points. These kinds of "seeds" can grow into marriage. If you aren't interested in or attracted to someone, you aren't likely to marry them. At least, that's what I've heard. 

Remember, the seed is this most elementary relationship. You are acquaintances. 

What things does that little "seed" need in order to grow? 

Try answer that question before you read on... Be simple.

Okay, this one is a little harder to answer. I'm going to throw out some ideas that correlate to my analogy, but I am open to hearing your suggestions. 

An relationship needs the following to grow:

1. Nutrients - relationships need trust, mutual purpose, fun, forgiveness, respect, work, service, meaningful communication, physical affirmation, meaningful experiences, and thoughtfulness, among other things. 

2. Outside Energy - No relationship is totally self-sustaining. It requires the energies of both parties to live or grow. If one person is not GIVING energy, it can't live.

3. Nutrient transport - I'm not an expert, but I do know that, for many plants, more than 90% of the water it uses is dedicated to transporting nutrients through the plant. It is later taken from the plant by "transpiration". Transport was the only purpose. In a relationship, I'm going to call this one compatibility. Being compatible allows these nutrients to permeate the relationship.

Now, go back to your acorn. You have just planted it nicely, neatly, in the ground.

Scenario

You want this thing to grow as fast as possible, right? So you expose it to 100 times the energy of the sun, plant it in super-fertilized soil, and unleash a fire hydrant flow of water onto it for 3 days straight. Tell me... how is this little seed doing?

It's a scene of total and utter destruction!

This may seem obvious in the context of acorns, but maybe not so much with dating.

There is a problem with the original theory. There is another ingredient that I would like to suggest.

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

4. TIME

We need time. It is not an option for acorns, and it is simply not an option for relationships. They need time. 

If you overload a relationship with nutrients or energy you'll kill it. In anticipation of the day when the tree will require a LOT of water, sunlight, and nutrients, we may try to give a seedling the quantity of ingredients that a full-grown tree requires. This is a mistake.

A lot of people have told me that if "it will work out", you will know almost instantly. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Could it be that believing it will work out from the beginning is what actually makes it happen?

I believe that this idea of light-switch love causes a lot of people to look at relationships like plugging in an iron. "If it's not getting hot after 90 seconds, throw it away and try a new one". But relationships aren't like irons - they are like trees. We may be too impatient. We have the wrong idea about how this is supposed to work.

Caveats:

1. Not all relationships were created equal. Some people are more capable of developing healthy relationships quickly. Still, I believe this is less common.

2. You may think it is difficult to be able to develop a good relationship with someone, in most circumstances, if you are not dating them. I think that you can date someone, frequently, and then exclusively, and still allow your friendship and relationship to develop organically. We don't have to be obsessed with each other. It may be a question of patience or expectation.
3. Treating a relationship like a seed instead of an iron does not always mean success. One reason for this is the option to date someone else.

Conclusions:

Relationships require time in addition to a slew of other things. We need to expect this. We need to be patient.  If you feel you have a hard time being patient, you need to move some of your focus to other purposes. We need to nourish the tree according to its current size and strength. We need to take the time and energy to develop strong, balanced relationships in dating.