Back Fire

Today was one of those very rare occasions when I have felt wronged by another person. Here's how I handled it.

I have a neighbor that I have steadily tried to become better friends with. We have chatted, occasionally, and it has been, at the very least, fun, albeit somewhat superficial. I've actually really come to like her, and I enjoy her personality, and I have been very comfortable with our distantly amiable relationship.

One night when I was with her and a few of her roommates, I noticed that things were a little uncomfortable. A day or two later I sort of inquired about how things were going to try and understand why I got that vibe. The person I asked confirmed that the were very close. At least my hunch about roommate tension was confirmed.

Roommate tension is not new. I'm sure it has existed from the day that Eve bore her second child, if not among Adam and Eve themselves. Therefore, I didn't think too much of it, and I wondered if there was something I could do to help or to make them more comfortable. I actually offered a prayer or two in this regard. Through the next few weeks, I saw one or two more instances of this tension among the roommates, and I wondered what awkward moments they might have living together. Having grown up with plenty of such moments, I really felt for them all.

I ended up asking her about it, and she was a little surprised that I would ask, and I told her that I had observed some things. I told her I just wanted to understand and make sure all was well. I was trying to reach out as a friend, thinking maybe there would be a way to offer support.

Tonight I received a text from this friend's boyfriend. A long text. There was a tone of "I'm trying to be polite about this, but I think you're a real moron." Among several other things, it said "I think the future you just need to actually think through the consequences of the ripples you start with things you say."

I was shocked, hurt, and initially angry. There had obviously been a huge misunderstanding, and one very anti-drama guy (me) was feeling pretty horrified. My friend must have expressed some pretty unpleasant feelings with her boyfriend. I reviewed the conversation we had the night before, and I was indeed tactful and considerate. I had now been told that I was "vague, accusatory, and confusing." Trying to be genuinely interested rather than sweep an issue under the rug had now backfired on me. My friend was obviously upset, and now her boyfriend feels like he needs to defend her and fuel the fire of drama.

As I said, my initial reaction was to call this kid and defend myself. "I had no ill intent". "I had carefully considered asking her about the situation". "I had NOT been accusatory". "I hadn't even FELT accusatory". "I was only trying to help, and if they want any clarifications I would be happy to have an adult conversation with them". I wanted to turn my offense into his shame. I wanted to make him feel childish and foolish.

As I considered these thoughts, I knew there was a better way.

I went home and started to make some dinner for myself. It was 9:00pm. I was the only one home. I knew that I was angry. I knew that I needed to think clearly. My only desire was to make this better, now, if I could, and to be careful not to make it worse. I felt like I wanted to walk away from my friendship with this girl because it would be easier, but I did not want to harden my heart. 

I tried to counter my negative feelings with feelings of compassion. This boy obviously did not understand something. He was probably trying to protect his girlfriend, which is a good thing for boyfriends to do sometimes. I had apparently struck a sensitive chord, and, although unintentional, I had caused hurt. Perhaps there really was something foolish in my approach. Maybe I could learn something from this. 

My arguments for good were not helping very much. I still felt the increasing urge to just pick up my phone and act instinctively, rashly, and.. well.

I have a very simple belief: I believe that God can help us be better.  I put my hands on the counter and offered a very simple prayer for help. I prayed specifically for comfort. I knew that God was able to help me overcome these negative thoughts - I remembered that He had helped me do it before. This is something that God wants us to be able to do. I ate my meal. I listened to some peaceful piano instrumental music. 

For a few minutes, I felt so emotionally empty. I had spent almost every moment of the day working, trying to be kind to others, or being accosted with this unexpected drama. I went to the couch, drew out my heart to God silently, and read a few articles from the Ensign. Over the next hour or so, I felt confidence and peace come back.

It is a real blessing to understand that God can help us with these kinds of things. I don't think I could have done that alone, but if I had acted unkindly, it would only have brought regret.

The Hospital

I just got off the phone with a woman at the hospital.

I was sitting with a group of friends and acquaintances watching some figure skating in the Sochi Olympics when a friend of mine texted me "Call if me you can". I knew that my friend, who I am have been helping (with others, including professionals) in their depression for the last year and a half. This friend has texted me nearly every morning for months with thoughts of hopelessness. Every day.

When my friend answered the phone, I heard uncontrollable sobbing for about 2 minutes. Finally we spoke. My friend is falling away into pain and sadness and has been getting consistently worse for the last several months. To my friend, there is only darkness. "There is no hope for me." Despite MANY conversations with trusted friends, this friend cannot accept the idea of hope. 

It has been hard for me to watch a person who I feel so much hope for give up on themselves. I know that there would be a long and winding road in front of my friend if they were to choose it, but I believe that happiness is still an option - in the future. And I'm not here to talk about depression, or how to help someone with depression, or how they came to be in this condition or how things will probably play out. There will be plenty of time for that.

I want to talk about my conversation with the nurse. I called the hospital, and after a little hit and miss with which phone line to call, I spoke with a woman at the emergency unit. At some point in our conversation, she put me on hold for, I'm sure, a more pressing matter. I asked what to do when I thought my friend needed to be in a controlled environment or if I thought he/she were likely to do him/herself harm. The information she gave me might be very helpful later. As our conversation ended, she said in a very sincere and sympathetic tone "Good luck". 

Now, I know it's not much, but you need to hear what I heard.

She may have 'rattled' the phrase off as a common gesture, but I still felt it was sincere. I felt that she hoped it would work out for the best.

WHY?

Why does a stranger care? Seriously??

She values people AND their happiness. I think it's that simple. She has seen all kinds of tragedy in her work. She receives phone calls every day that are difficult to bear, yet she was not hardened or insensitive to my situation.

That small gesture of hoping that things would go well for my friend was very divine, I thought.

The Message

I recently asked my sister to initiate me into the blogging world. It seems foreign, but desirable, and I feel like I'm walking around a big, unknown city. Apparently there are two options: You can use it as a journal to share with friends and family, or you need some kind of niche, or message.

I asked Google how to choose my message. 0.19 seconds later, the answer was "Well, what are you about?"

Well, shoot. What am I about?

I've considered a few options, and I've written 4 drafts of this post, each of them describing what I had chosen as "my message". It hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. How can a person summarize the entirety of their learning and thought into a single topic? I definitely have zero intent to sell skills or products. I think that putting paint on the canvas for long enough will eventually produce a picture of some kind.