Happiness

We want happiness, and that's a good thing. It's good to want it.

In seeking happiness I have done a lot of stupid things. On any given day at any given time, I can feel a dissatisfaction with the amount of happiness that I am experiencing, usually because some circumstance is not what I wanted it to be. I go out desperately to any source I can in order to gather and ensure my happiness or to stop me from thinking about my lack of happiness. That's the wrong thing to do.

Story
A friend of mine approached me one afternoon and he was freaking out a little bit about some girl troubles. He was fairly sure that a girl that he had been dating for a short time was going to break up with him, and he had somehow deduced this several hours before it was going to happen. He wanted someone to talk to about it and asked me how I thought he should handle it. My answer was a little counter-intuitive.

"You have to stop thinking about yourself in this moment. Help someone else. You'll feel better. You'll think more clearly. You'll bring light into your life."

Easier said than done.

I frequently struggle to apply this idea in my own life, but it is true. In all the normal struggles of life, it is important to remember "whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." If you aren't enjoying your job, or if you're struggling to get along with family or roommates, or if your health is degrading, or you feel lonely and friendless, or you are having financial troubles, or you have an addiction - whatever it is - try this: Help someone else. Help yourself as necessary, but get out of the trenches of self pity and worry and turn outward.

As I recall, my friend called his grandma to say hi. You know what? Grandma didn't fix his problems! The girl still broke up with him. Life was still hard. But can't you see that he was a better man for how he acted in that situation?

For examples of how Christ did this, Elder Bednar has a great talk titled "The Character of Christ" that you should listen to. (Jan. 2003).

When you're feeling down, when you're feeling pain, when you are feeling dissatisfied or confused, pray for the strength to serve someone else. It will help.

Defending Altruism

I have recently had some conversations about altruism and whether or not it actually exists. Altruism is a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You might not know this, but the debate about altruism is not a new one...

Wikipedia has an interesting explanation: "Altruism can be distinguished from feelings of loyalty. Pure altruism consists of sacrificing something for someone other than the self (e.g. sacrificing time, energy or possessions) with no expectation of any compensation or benefits, either direct, or indirect (e.g., receiving recognition for the act of giving)."

Much debate exists as to whether "true" altruism is possible. The theory of psychological egoism suggests that no act of sharing, helping or sacrificing can be described as truly altruistic, as the actor may receive an intrinsic reward in the form of personal gratification. The validity of this argument depends on whether intrinsic rewards qualify as "benefits."

I'd like to challenge a few of these ideas which I believe actually were NOT intended to be a part of "altruism":

In those statements there is an implicit suggestion that consequences are always directly tied to motives. However, consequences for choices are not always the motivators for choices. 

For example, if I decide to yell at a loved one the consequence will likely be regret and hurt feelings. Was that my motivator for making the choice? No. Actually, my motivator, which was to be right or to satisfy my ego, was never fulfilled. Another: Does a teenager try drugs because they want to be an addict and potentially ruin their life? No. Actually, their motivator, which is probably to find comfort or belonging, is never fulfilled. Their motives were NOT the consequences of their actions.

Now let's look at positive choice and its consequences. Suppose a daughter goes to her father and expresses that she is sad because another girl made fun of her at school. The father chooses to comfort his daughter. Why? 

Do you believe that he has "expectation of any compensation or benefits" for himself, even intrinsic ones? Some would say "Yes, he knows that if he doesn't help, he will feel bad, or it could have a negative effect on his family later, or he will feel good about himself when he helps her." Well if you say that, you are probably not a father. 

The father helps his daughter because of his concern for her welfare and with no expectation of any personal compensation, despite the fact the he WILL receive it. Some interpret this "expectation" to mean that the personal benefits were part of the father's motivation or decision-making process. That's not true. Our motives for certain choices are not necessarily to gain certain consequences. They don't have to match.

We can expect to be happy by doing good to others without this being our motivation. I believe altruism exists, and that their is such pure goodness in people. We really can make decisions with selfless motivation, and we all need to overcome ourselves and achieve this. This is the meaning of "charity seeketh not her own".