For the Singles

So, I'm single.

Yup.

If you're single, welcome. If you're not, feel free to re-enter the single mind, but please, be careful. This post is about dating.

I'd like you to imagine that you have just been given an acorn. 

Did you know that acorns turn into oak trees?!?! It's pretty incredible. You just pop that little guy into the ground and it can just absorb certain things, organize them, and integrate them into the seed, and eventually establish a network of processes that build a very large tree! It's almost unbelievable.

Quiz time

What things does that little seed need in order to grow? 

Answer that question before you read on... Seriously. 

Be simple.

Okay, here are the answers you should have:

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

If you got these three, great job! If you got something else, consult an expert. ;)

Analogy: We are going to call the seed "a relationship".

I'd like you to imagine that you have just met someone, and since we're talking about dating, let's say that you are interested in (and attracted to) this person. These are two basic starting points. These kinds of "seeds" can grow into marriage. If you aren't interested in or attracted to someone, you aren't likely to marry them. At least, that's what I've heard. 

Remember, the seed is this most elementary relationship. You are acquaintances. 

What things does that little "seed" need in order to grow? 

Try answer that question before you read on... Be simple.

Okay, this one is a little harder to answer. I'm going to throw out some ideas that correlate to my analogy, but I am open to hearing your suggestions. 

An relationship needs the following to grow:

1. Nutrients - relationships need trust, mutual purpose, fun, forgiveness, respect, work, service, meaningful communication, physical affirmation, meaningful experiences, and thoughtfulness, among other things. 

2. Outside Energy - No relationship is totally self-sustaining. It requires the energies of both parties to live or grow. If one person is not GIVING energy, it can't live.

3. Nutrient transport - I'm not an expert, but I do know that, for many plants, more than 90% of the water it uses is dedicated to transporting nutrients through the plant. It is later taken from the plant by "transpiration". Transport was the only purpose. In a relationship, I'm going to call this one compatibility. Being compatible allows these nutrients to permeate the relationship.

Now, go back to your acorn. You have just planted it nicely, neatly, in the ground.

Scenario

You want this thing to grow as fast as possible, right? So you expose it to 100 times the energy of the sun, plant it in super-fertilized soil, and unleash a fire hydrant flow of water onto it for 3 days straight. Tell me... how is this little seed doing?

It's a scene of total and utter destruction!

This may seem obvious in the context of acorns, but maybe not so much with dating.

There is a problem with the original theory. There is another ingredient that I would like to suggest.

An acorn needs the following to grow:

1. Soil/nutrients

2. Sunlight

3. Water

4. TIME

We need time. It is not an option for acorns, and it is simply not an option for relationships. They need time. 

If you overload a relationship with nutrients or energy you'll kill it. In anticipation of the day when the tree will require a LOT of water, sunlight, and nutrients, we may try to give a seedling the quantity of ingredients that a full-grown tree requires. This is a mistake.

A lot of people have told me that if "it will work out", you will know almost instantly. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Could it be that believing it will work out from the beginning is what actually makes it happen?

I believe that this idea of light-switch love causes a lot of people to look at relationships like plugging in an iron. "If it's not getting hot after 90 seconds, throw it away and try a new one". But relationships aren't like irons - they are like trees. We may be too impatient. We have the wrong idea about how this is supposed to work.

Caveats:

1. Not all relationships were created equal. Some people are more capable of developing healthy relationships quickly. Still, I believe this is less common.

2. You may think it is difficult to be able to develop a good relationship with someone, in most circumstances, if you are not dating them. I think that you can date someone, frequently, and then exclusively, and still allow your friendship and relationship to develop organically. We don't have to be obsessed with each other. It may be a question of patience or expectation.
3. Treating a relationship like a seed instead of an iron does not always mean success. One reason for this is the option to date someone else.

Conclusions:

Relationships require time in addition to a slew of other things. We need to expect this. We need to be patient.  If you feel you have a hard time being patient, you need to move some of your focus to other purposes. We need to nourish the tree according to its current size and strength. We need to take the time and energy to develop strong, balanced relationships in dating.

Cliff-People

I want to talk about cliffs.

Two great hikes for your upcoming summer are "Angels Landing" and "The Narrows" at Zion National Park. The Narrows is a long slot canyon. It's a blast to explore, and run through the shallow water and climb little waterfalls. Angels Landing is essentially the spacial opposite of The Narrows. It is a thin slice of rock with straight drops of more than 1000 ft. on either side. If you're in the area and you've never been to this area, I recommend you plan a trip. 

                                                                                       

                   

Much of the wonder of these formations is how they came to be. The steady beating of the elements, and the slow, relentless reshaping of the earth... It's amazing.

Last summer some friends and I were leaving the canyon after an awesome day of hiking. We were laughing and chatting, and reflecting on that kind of majestic feeling you have when you experience nature. I was scanning the cliffs when something piqued my interest. I noticed that most of the formations/landscapes had relatively flat tops, and they were covered in trees. I was pretty impressed considering the very small amount of top soil on these rock formations...

But I noticed something else, too. This is the important part. I saw that there were a few trees that had grown on the tiny edges and juts on the side of the rock, sometimes more than one hundred feet down the side of the cliff. 

(Look closely)

                                                             
That's even more impressive. How crazy it is that a little seed fell there, somehow, then got stuck, and then amazingly found enough nutrients to grow into a 30 ft. tree on that little, tiny edge!

You know, I feel a sort of love for those trees...
I feel compassion for them!
I feel proud of them!
I feel inspired by them!

There are people in this life that grow on flat ground, and there are people that grow on the sides of cliffs. I would consider myself a flat ground man. I have friends that are cliff-people. They are people who have experienced very difficult things, and they don't give up. Each of us probably knows someone experiencing something that is hard to deal with or hard to understand, or we ourselves are that person. Some of these hardships have been with us for years and will continue for years to come. And for some people, it just seems to be their lot to have a very, very hard life.

I love these cliff people.
I feel compassion for them.
I feel proud of them.
I feel inspired by them.

They prove that people are resilient.
They prove that we do indeed have the choice to succeed.
Though they are alone, they grow.
Though they live on steep, rocky slopes, they grow.
Though they face the full force of the canyon winds, they grow.
What beautiful, incredible people.

Douglas Malloch wrote the following:

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

There is a popular notion that we are victims of and subject to circumstance. We are not. I understand that some circumstances are incredibly demanding, but we are more than they are. I know that some things are nearly impossible to accomplish, but people have done those things, too. I believe in the capacity of people, especially combined with capacity of God, to do incredibly difficult things, to do them well, and to be made great by them.

"The Tongue is a Fire"

1. You and I both know that real thought is not required for conversation, and that the mind can near-instantaneously produce speech on a reflexive or automated basis.

2. James (the apostle) wrote "The tongue is a fire." and "How great a [forest] a little fire kindleth"

This seems like a bad combination.

STORY:

A few years ago, I was walking home from class on a spring afternoon. I wish I could remember what triggered this thought... I was thinking about "Why do people complain?" What is the purpose? What is the goal of expressing complaint? What is the benefit? I know that we need to address problems frequently, but that is different from most of the complaining I hear. Most of it, apparently, serves no real purpose!

(SIDEBAR: I know that there are appropriate and necessary ways of expressing dissatisfaction. I'm not referring to that kind of 'complaining'. I also know that we are not robots, and that we should not pretend to be satisfied when we are not.)

So I went home and talked to my roommate about it.

     "So here's something I was thinking about today..."

     "Yeah?"

     "I was thinking about complaining. I do it all the time. I complain that it's too hot, or too cold. I complain that my house is too small, or that the rent is too high, or that school is too hard or my job makes me too busy or blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It seems like everyone does it all the time!"

     "Yeah, I totally agree."

     "But, guess what I realized today?"

     "What?"

     "I realized that it doesn't do anything! I doesn't fix my problem. It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't make anyone else feel better, either. It doesn't help anything."

About 15 minutes later we had decided upon a goal to which we committed ourselves and to which we would hold each other accountable. The Goal: Never complain about any person, situation, or thing, and that if we did complain, we would verbally retract our statement to all who heard us speak it.

Day 1 of complaining goal:

I was sitting among a group of engineering students doing some particularly lengthy homework in the basement of a building on campus. Every day after our class we would go there together for about 4 hours to try to finish the assignment for the day.

I complained. I said something negative - something about the assignment being stupid. Then, the moment of truth: I have to take it back. How can I? What will they think? Does it matter? It does matter. I have to do it.

"Hey guys, you know what?"
They looked up at me from their papers...
"I don't mean that. I'm glad I can be in this class and I'm grateful for my education..."

No one said anything. I think one kid nodded his head. No one seemed angry. Everyone's life went on just like it was going before - except mine.

That was the beginning of the end.
Within just a couple of weeks, I would go an entire day without saying a single negative thing about anyone or anything. After a couple of months, I would catch myself saying something negative and realize that it had been an entire week since my last complaint.

And do you want to know what else happened to me? I started to believe my mouth. I felt more positive. I felt more satisfied with my life - every part of it. The effects of this goal still remain.

Of course, I am not perfect at this. I'm not as good now as I have been in past times. I still complain. And I also still verbally retract my complaints (much of the time), and sometimes I will invite others to reconsider theirs. Now, I invite you.

1. Complaining serves no positive purpose, but does serve negative ones.
2. You do not owe it to anyone to complain, not even yourself. It is totally useless. 
3. Learn to control your tongue, and you will learn to control yourself. (See James 3:2-13, Bible). 
4. The way you speak about a person or situation influences the way you feel about that person or situation. The way you speak affects your attitude, not the other way around.
5. Choosing to consciously correct your speech will quickly train you to speak correctly the first time. Don't be afraid to do it - only good things will follow.

This has changed my life. Try it. Next time and EVERY time you complain, take it back.

Money <= Distraction

I have discovered a serious flaw in myself... oops!

I heard this recently:
Too little money can be a distraction.
Too much money can be a distraction.
A moderate amount of money can be a distraction.

Of course, a lot of what we do is life is to earn money or ensure that we will be able to earn money in the future. Your labor has value, and you're (hopefully) compensated accordingly. Work is something that we all must do, and few souls would prefer a lifestyle of living paycheck to paycheck if given the option. It's something we have to think about.

I'm surrounded by a lot of successful people, and I recognize that some of them will likely make crazy amounts of money and live very comfortable lives, and I'm like "I'm all over that. I like that idea." I mean, I don't want to make b-b-ba-billions, just a few mill' seems fantastic. Big family, a wife who is never stressed about finances, nice home, smooth ride, all the Panda Express I could ever want, help some families in need, take a nice vacation every year, retire early and dedicate the heel of my life to helping people. Is that too luxurious?

Here's the problem...

Is there a correlation between my net worth and my self worth? No.
Do I sometimes feel that they are connected? Yes.
Do other people have the same problem? Yes.

Self worth doesn't come from any of that. Self worth comes from knowing that you are "a beloved son or daughter of Heavenly parents, and as such, [you have] a divine nature and destiny."

I was out for lunch today with a good friend. I watched this little family for a moment as we sat there, and in particular, I noticed a 10-13 year-old girl. I'm not sure what brought on this thought, but I wanted her to understand her worth. Something about the family I was watching led me to believe that this little girl, like SO MANY women, would grow up with a diminished sense of confidence and little, if any, of the self esteem that should belong to her.

You want to talk about labor value? Talk about the person who helps anyone to feel about themselves the way God feels about them. That's value.

Nice Video

One Sentence that Changed My Life

Three years ago I stepped out of a third story apartment and walked down the stairs with one of the best guys I know, Clayton. We had just shared a nice chat with a neighbor, and as we reached the bottom of the stairs, it was obviously an ideal afternoon.

Those are moments that are enjoyable to share with others, even in silence, because the earth itself is speaking to the soul in other ways. The sun was bright, the smell was warm, the air was gentle, and it just feels SO. GOOD.

In this instance, I was glad that Clayton broke the silence. He simply, and sincerely said:

"You know, almost always, the more I get to know someone, the more I like them."

Can I let that sink in for a minute by way of repetition?

"Almost always, the more I get to know someone, the more I like them."

For whatever reason, I was completely engaged by this statement. That moment has been written firmly on my  mind. I have thought about it perhaps hundreds of times, and shared with other people over and over again. What a statement! 

But... is there a catch? Can it be true? Can he really feel that way? I mean, yes, he has accounted for a few sad cases with the "almost", but even then, can it really be? And, if it is true, what does that mean?

If every person has a divine origin, then all it takes is to find it. If I can set aside the weakness, the character flaws, the poor habits, and the selfishness - all of which are most glaring to the mortal eye - and look at what is most noticeable to the heavenly eye, I will see beauty. I will see an old, and noble soul. I will see effort. I will see potential to be great. I will see a good heart that is maturing in the fires of mortality. Most of the time. 

What about people who usually do NOT like other people as they get to know them more? What about when I feel that way about a person?

Well, how often do we think about their welfare?

How often are we interested in their ideas or opinions?

How well do we understand their background?

When they actually do something stupid, or have wrong ideas about things, do we assume it is because they intend to do wrong?

I think Clayton's statement was very wise, but I also think it said a great deal about his character. He was choosing to like people by getting to know them with the intent to like them.